tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49169688653506733352024-03-27T16:54:42.004-07:00What Have You Been Learning Lately?Doubt & Inquiry in the Pursuit of Insight & GrowthKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.comBlogger190125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-40963939073978937512023-06-09T17:36:00.000-07:002023-06-09T17:36:11.369-07:00Even Baddies Get the Blues<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPQtmGo9DAp2j-s3rLCnxx0XXWtbCwx_K0c1VXbvKdsYDChjl3Rfh2UHG1Q1HCQioBYOwERfiFcmx0a5HUjU9yrgsujEO43Mo1mTUfzvovJ1dmNF1itounSgb0OWZSHPc3VyFp3nw-oL8TGlNiHAmBSYY2klqq3waPYrC7JISyOepsVbQS2BtJ3Dd6/s320/SaddieBaddie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="320" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPQtmGo9DAp2j-s3rLCnxx0XXWtbCwx_K0c1VXbvKdsYDChjl3Rfh2UHG1Q1HCQioBYOwERfiFcmx0a5HUjU9yrgsujEO43Mo1mTUfzvovJ1dmNF1itounSgb0OWZSHPc3VyFp3nw-oL8TGlNiHAmBSYY2klqq3waPYrC7JISyOepsVbQS2BtJ3Dd6/s1600/SaddieBaddie.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>It's important to me that you know that I'm not separate from you, somehow set apart because I teach contemplative practices. I'm not removed from the human condition. Nah, man. Sometimes I'm still made miserable by the world shrinking, life sucking myopia of depression. Even after all this time and growth and change, that is still a place I sometimes go.<p></p><p>I've been in a slow, subtle down slump for a while now, made slow by me doing my best not to be. After years of learning to sense the on come of The Sads like you can sometimes feel the on come of a cold, I've been throwing all my best practices at it. We're exercising and reaching out to friends and washing our hair and eating enough calories and getting good sleep. We're doing our yoga and meditation set every single day no matter what and taking our vitamins and making lists to check off for cheap dopamine hits. We're stopping to smell every rose on our walks and flirting with the flirty cashiers at Trader Joe's and savoring the feeling of the sun on our skin while waiting at the stoplight. But The Sads linger, peering in around the edges.</p><p>I tell you this not to be discouraging, but so you can manage your expectations of what your practices can do for you. Nothing is a silver bullet, guaranteed cure all. I'm doing a large combination of things and even that's just leveling out the dip...but that's not nothing! If you've ever been down a deep well of Sad, you'd do a lot to avoid going back there. I'm doing a lot to avoid going back there. Maintenance is easier than repair, and always worthwhile. </p><p>What is encouraging is finding myself in this familiar, uncomfortable place and yet "standing in a different position" to it, as author Lidia Yuknavitch said in a <a href="https://www.corporealwriting.com/current-offerings-sign-up" target="_blank">recent writing class</a> I got to take, fittingly titled: The Abyss, Both Playful and Devouring. When we find ourselves in a moment of repetition, she encouraged us to ask, "Where am I standing in relation to the thing that's coming back around?" </p><p>When I ask myself this question about my most recent visit with The Sads, I notice that this time I'm not consumed by it. There's enough space in the room for my Loving Inner Adult to sit and have honest, compassionate yet firm conversations with the cruel, critical voices that have been swelling in and threatening to drown me. Lidia so wisely pointed out that, "You get many chances to face the same shit over again. And that's beautiful because then you can ask, 'How do I stand in a different place? And what inspires different action?'"</p><p>Standing in this different place, I'm getting that I'm not actually entitled to constant ease. Suffering is terribly common and very human, and the quality of discomfort I'm experiencing won't actually kill me. The aversion I've had to my suffering has worsened it, and more importantly, prevented me from taking a different mental action. Standing in this different place, I can soften to curiosity and ask my Sads questions; "What is your purpose here? What is important for me to understand? How can I help?" </p><p>This is when I feel the earth shift deeply underneath a great mass that previously felt forever immovable. This is how I settle a thrashing, nasty beastie down into its raw truth; sad, scared, tired and small. Aching to be taken seriously and tended lovingly. Hungry to be seen, acknowledged and understood.</p><p>Repetition is only a waste if you can't find a different place to stand. <br /><br />How are you relating to what's happening?<br />What can you notice that feels new? <br />Can you soften to some curiosity? <br />Can you ask a different question this time?</p><p>You'll get another chance to face this later, but why not make this rotation count?</p><p>xoxoxo</p><p>(I’m a Contemplative Educator; I teach contemplative skills and tools. Everything written here is an expression of my own experience and perspective. I’m not a therapist or a doctor, y’all! It’s not within my legal or ethical scope of practice to assess mental health, nor provide diagnosis, treatment planning or treatment for any mental health or substance use condition. I’d be so happy to help connect you to resources outside my scope.)</p>Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-7940750323331215802022-08-12T10:53:00.000-07:002022-08-12T10:53:40.703-07:00People Can Be Good, or, Relationship as Refuge<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi90eApPzNFp8sX-Wt9hbUpVpJ_aY4vrZlbfSfiMktgqFFdaTpkI9sOsyEnC-eIO1eBS5H-eFcgB3GvSx_OiFUi9rNc7lSAMorZisjuvhkYR23ATtY_zX51_Rl6NKsFJ0WSbYFvYmMW5D980fUoeeSMWgSUP_pQek5YrSDLpLLwffknSWdn1R-mwGtZ/s2048/PoolBabe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1638" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi90eApPzNFp8sX-Wt9hbUpVpJ_aY4vrZlbfSfiMktgqFFdaTpkI9sOsyEnC-eIO1eBS5H-eFcgB3GvSx_OiFUi9rNc7lSAMorZisjuvhkYR23ATtY_zX51_Rl6NKsFJ0WSbYFvYmMW5D980fUoeeSMWgSUP_pQek5YrSDLpLLwffknSWdn1R-mwGtZ/s320/PoolBabe.jpg" width="256" /></a></div><p>Shame is such a sticky, deep, murky feeling. I'm struggling to write this because I'm wrestling with a sense of shame. I feel embarrassed to share the things I'd like to share with you because it means coming clean about ways I've failed and things I've been learning that feel so obvious, but for me have been a revelation. One thing I know to be true, though, is that it's important and worthwhile to be honest, even if it isn't easy.</p><p>Last month I spent a couple weeks in a bit of a hole. It wasn't a <a href="https://www.theurbanlotus.com/2019/03/clawing-out-of-deep-well-of-sad.html" target="_blank">deep well of sad</a>, but enough of a hole to derail my focus and certainly my enthusiasm. Truth be told, it's been a really difficult year for me. My living situation has been extraordinarily stressful, and activating to my deepest core wounding. Out of desperation, I crawled back into therapy and because of this have at least been able to make good use of some of the more painful moments. This chapter has been highly uncomfortable, and also clarifying, healing, and in a long term sense, helpful.</p><p>Somewhere around 2019 I started to notice it was getting a little strange in my head. At that point I'd been single for a long time and had spent the few years before that taking long, adventurous, highly Instagram-able solo journeys. I <a href="https://www.theurbanlotus.com/2016/02/notes-from-road-decompressing-laos-at.html" target="_blank">tried to be honest </a>about some of the harsher realities behind my glamorous-looking lifestyle, but really, it was hard to argue with that version of myself. I mean, come on! Hanging all day by an infinity pool in Bali? She was having a really good time.</p><p>She was also avoiding responsibility for anyone or anything besides herself. This was a sort of counter balance to my overly responsible, high achieving earlier life. My only "job" while I was traveling was to climb temples to watch sunrises and make new friends and eat street food and read in hammocks and try not to get hit by a scooter while crossing the road. I got to know myself intimately, made massive gains in confidence and reclaimed a kind of carefree childhood experience. It was good medicine...for awhile.</p><p>Eventually I began longing for people and purpose. I planted myself back at home in New York City to ground my roots there again. I've been getting so much healing around connection, reliance and attachment in the few years since then, spurred on by a hunch that I had reached the limits of what I could learn about myself without a trustworthy mirror. Suddenly, I needed people. I knew there was more there than I could discern on my own, layers I needed assistance to peel back, dark corners I needed someone else's lantern to illuminate. </p><p>It's so humbling and slightly terrifying to admit that I can't do it on my own, and ultimately that I don't want to. I muscled through for a long time, and I did alright. Yes, I am capable of great feats of strength and courage, <b>and</b> life is just so much sweeter and easier when it's shared. When I was in a hole last month, I recognized I was in a hole, but that recognition wasn't enough to pull me out. I tried something new. I reached out to some people who've expressed sincere care for me and I let them into my moment. It felt so awkward showing other people what I consider the most cringe version of myself, but damn if it didn't totally sort me out.</p><p>One of our most deeply human, healthy, normal needs is to feel safe, seen and appreciated. If your early experiences with intimacy and closeness were confusing, scary, overwhelming, or otherwise not ideal, it's especially difficult to understand the possibility for relationships to be places of refuge, comfort and loving insight. I have a complex relationship to relationship. My early life closeness was never entirely safe or straightforward. Even with all the community building I've done, even with a strong intellectual grasp of how important connection is, I'm embarrassed to admit that I've been way too uncomfortable with vulnerability to really Get It. Only a few have consistently been allowed close enough to see me when I'm still messy, still in process, still figuring it out. It's pretty lonely in here, though. There must be another way.</p><p>Some of you may remember that back in 2019, inspired by my burgeoning interest in People, I attempted to start a <a href="https://www.theurbanlotus.com/2019/10/im-having-baby.html" target="_blank">business</a>. It did not work. For many reasons. First of all, I had not even remotely begun to live into my healing around attachment, and possibly more importantly, I had absolutely no idea how to start a business. There are lots of articles and checklists out there, but writing a business plan (which is <b>important</b>!) is hard work that's made immensely easier with guidance. I hadn't given up on my business baby, School of Self-Study, but I wasn't making meaningful progress on my own. I watched my gifted quilter pal,<a href="https://sabelroseregalia.com/" target="_blank"> Sabel Rose Regalia</a>, transform her processes through an ethical creative entrepreneur course taught by couture designer and business maven <a href="https://www.bespokehogaboom.com/" target="_blank">Kelly Hogaboom</a>, and it planted a little seed in my brain: maybe with the right support and strategy, I could also carve out a professional place for myself in the world on my own terms. </p><p>This summer I've had the pleasure to be in class with Kelly and a brilliant, supportive cohort of other creatives. The process has helped me craft a rockin' business plan, and elicited a heady mixture of both swelling confidence and abject terror. Oh my god I'm so totally freaked out to be doing this, <b>and</b> thank goodness I'm not trying to go it alone anymore. I'm so grateful for the means to access this life changing resource. I would not be here writing this, filled with this much belief in myself, my work and my worth, were it not for Kelly. And my talented therapist. And my wonderful partner. And my pals who cheer me on no matter how cringe I think I'm being. I get by with a little/lot of help from a LOT of people, and I am so happy and relieved to arrive at this moment with all of these generous, loving folks in my corner.</p><p>There is still much to do before I can officially open the virtual doors of School of Self-Study. My rockin' business plan has some remaining gaps, and if you're so inclined, you can help me get closer to finished. I created a market survey to better inform some of my choices, and it would be a big help to get your feedback. No pressure, truly. I'm really into enthusiasm, so if it's a No for you, let it be a No. If it's a Yes, here's a link to the Google form: <a href="https://forms.gle/stCQHzDarUybtfH29" target="_blank">thank you in advance for your insight!</a></p><p>If you have a hunch that you've reached the limits of what you can learn or do on your own, this is your sign to get resourced. Believe me, I've been in deep wells of sad, in sickening spirals of panic, blackout drunk a few too many times. I know just how hard it is to ask for help. I feel a little queasy writing this because now you know that I need help sometimes, too. I learn a bit more everyday that my needs are meetable, that needing others just makes me human. You don't have to take my word for it. Think of some people who have expressed sincere care for you and let them into your moment. I know, gross. Cringe! But because they care about you, they really want to help you. It turns out that lots of people do. Give it a shot.</p><p>Another world is possible.</p><p>xoxox</p>Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-4530348537209962792020-12-03T20:50:00.000-08:002020-12-03T20:50:16.939-08:00It's a Playground, not a Cemetery<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT98fTTlHe3jp3y26o7YKbKaVbeWCLNpwvMc65FDbjsIjoeH05aCaKsWkxsg29SG9JK8yIFpoMogQJlCmnOxEB2Z7putiKfvt5yZPDyKq2d662Z8rdJwZ_vJKbvXYGWC8FHJoB4JeZzPw/s956/playground.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="956" data-original-width="765" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT98fTTlHe3jp3y26o7YKbKaVbeWCLNpwvMc65FDbjsIjoeH05aCaKsWkxsg29SG9JK8yIFpoMogQJlCmnOxEB2Z7putiKfvt5yZPDyKq2d662Z8rdJwZ_vJKbvXYGWC8FHJoB4JeZzPw/w320-h400/playground.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>The most difficult aspect of adult life for me is understanding that our societal identity is formed around a bunch of agreements which mask as Absolute Truth yet tend to shift over time so they often feel extremely arbitrary. Interracial marriage was still illegal in parts of the US until 53 years ago, and it took a Supreme Court ruling to overturn those laws, but sure, everything we believe now is totally moral and true. Of course we won't look back 53 years from now and shamefully shake our heads at all those people who refused to wear masks during a pandemic. Surely not!<div><br /></div><div>It's not that we've hit upon some perfect way to live. It's that, as a species, humans tend to fear and mistrust what's foreign, and nothing thrusts us into the Great, Foreign Unknown more expediently than change. And yet we do change! There are innumerable agreements which we have reevaluated and reformed. In the US, discrimination on the basis of race or sex is unconstitutional. Slavery is illegal. 40 hours a week is considered full time and workers have a basic set of rights. How well these laws are carried out is arguable, but they do exist now. Conversations have drastically changed in just the last half decade around trans rights, mental health, police brutality, drug decriminalization, and healthcare availability. We are reaching new social issue tipping points with each passing year, spurred on by how easy it is to connect to like minds thanks to the interwebs.</div><div><br /></div><div>The uncomfortable, invigorating truth of it is, there are few real rules. We've been making it all up as we go, continuing to evolve practices and agreements as our evolution inevitably alters the world around us and the ways we live. I'm on board with practicing a basic code of conduct to keep people safe, but beyond that we are free to organize ourselves in any way. The only limits are what we choose to value, and how courageously creative we can be in envisioning a fresh reality we have not yet tasted. In a conversation with an older friend this week, she expressed concern about the possibility of drug addicts taking advantage of a universal health care system and I asked, "What if we entirely shifted the way we talk about and treat addiction? What if we built a society that takes better care of people at every level?" We can! It is possible to break the stranglehold agreement of capitalism that pits people like my friend against people who badly need care, as if my friend has more in common with Jeff Bezos than she does with the vulnerable. (She agreed that this sounded good, and we began brainstorming ideas around what it might look like to better care for and value people. I will infect every older person I know with my "radical" lefty socialist ideas, but definitely not with COVID 'cause you know I'm wearing a mask. WEAR A MASK.)</div><div><br /></div><div>The last few years have been a deep clean of my agreements. I'm taking out every single idea, expectation and "truth" from the cupboard and checking its expiration date. Scrolling its ingredient list. Identifying its place of origin. Let me tell you, a LOT of that shit is stale as hell and does not spark joy. <a href="https://twitter.com/drthema/status/1067513379034525696?lang=en">Dr. Thema </a>tweeted this applicable wisdom, a version of which has been floating around in meme form: "Pay attention to your patterns. <b>The ways you learned to survive may not be the ways you want to continue to live. </b>Heal and shift." </div><div><br /></div><div>Adhering to familial or societal agreements may keep us accepted and fed, but it will not honor our unique needs. Not all agreements are necessarily toxic or unworkable, but every one of them is worth critically examining, especially the ones that seem Absolutely, Obviously True. I remain unconvinced of any clear meaning or purpose to human life, other than to follow the urges of my heart guts and see where it leads me. I'm committed to making choices that alleviate suffering, or at least don't cause any more harm. Following the map of my past will not lead me anywhere new. Living into a fresh reality I have yet to taste means being brave enough to engage with the Unknown. That is, to change. To not seek parity with the past, but to courageously iterate a healthier, more honest and pleasurable future. It is possible.</div><div><br /></div><div>This world is a playground. It's colorful, lively, full of creativity and innovation. It is a place to practice new skills, learn and grow, a place where we are changing because we are still alive. There is no One Way that is is right for everyone and nothing works forever. If we're honest, we'll see that every day and every season of our lives requires slightly different strategies to thrive. And make no mistake, thriving is <b>for you</b> and it's for you in the exact way that suits you best. Break any agreement that confines you to small, shallow joys, to parity with others or to the past. Nothing is absolute, fixed or finished. You are not yet interned in the earth for a great sleep. As long as you are alive, you get to change. It's not too late to follow the urges of your heart guts and make your own meaning.</div><div><br /></div><div>xoxo</div>Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-45103959283000147722019-10-31T13:02:00.001-07:002022-07-29T14:21:18.053-07:00I'm Having a Baby!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinW1K3Jh6TzaA03gdbv6DgTLOklmNm_dQWlDGQYi6zt692i6ujZf4zZ1hKxZA0O3iyA83f_t7jAebLR_JS0DYB5ojAemxVHfOlebDclHLQMMPIepjSjqizJOYKs2IBEn9THjimSK6TN5s/s1600/73292557_1580958242046523_5204103467588648960_n.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="937" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinW1K3Jh6TzaA03gdbv6DgTLOklmNm_dQWlDGQYi6zt692i6ujZf4zZ1hKxZA0O3iyA83f_t7jAebLR_JS0DYB5ojAemxVHfOlebDclHLQMMPIepjSjqizJOYKs2IBEn9THjimSK6TN5s/s320/73292557_1580958242046523_5204103467588648960_n.jpg" width="256" /></a>Is it a boy?<br />
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Is it a girl?<br />
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Is it puppy?<br />
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No!<br />
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It's a Business!<br />
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Ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, please join me in welcoming to this world my brand new pride and joy... </div>
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<a href="http://www.schoolofselfstudy.com" style="font-size: x-large;">School of Self-Study</a></div>
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Weighing in both feather light and heavily substantial, this baby has been gestating for well over a dozen years. The shape of it began to come together when I was a university student participating in a valuable personal and professional development program called Community Involvement Center (CIC). CIC's curriculum was centered around helping students learn to critically reflect on what they learn in order to make the most of their experiences. I participated in the program for a year as a student, then spent the next two years instructing CIC seminars.<br />
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To this day, teaching at CIC is my favorite job and I've sought to recreate that in different professional formats with varying degrees of personal satisfaction. I have been a Kundalini yoga teacher, lead meditation sits, performed body work and designed individual wellness plans.<br />
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In the years since my tenure at CIC, I've also spent the majority of my free time studying with different teachers and experimenting with different practices to source my own peace and joy. Built on the reflective writing foundation I gained at CIC, a central part of my prescription throughout has been journaling and keeping this blog. I've had the benefit of many gifted meditation teachers who have helped me establish a consistent daily sit. One of those gifted teachers, <a href="https://www.dharmapunxnyc.com/">Josh Korda</a>, is also a researcher, and made me into an avid student of research-based, neuroscience and modern psychology approaches to radical change. Finally, through an early introduction to dance and a 20 year practice of hatha yoga, I found my way to sensual movement, a practice of embodiment which helped me to come alive and awake as never before.<br />
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What does one do with a healing knowledge base that is so rich and diverse? I am choosing to share it.<br />
This is School of Self-Study. My personal and professional mission is to help my students develop a healthy, loving relationship with themselves through the practice of healthy habits. I will support this by instructing students in the tools that have helped me, and by guiding them to discover the right elements for their own perfect prescription for peace and joy.<br />
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My first offering is Introduction to Self-Study. It is an 8-week online course designed to give students a foundation in contemplative, inquiry practices that will help them to develop more honest yet compassionate self-knowledge. I will be offering instruction in meditation, reflective writing and embodied movement. Each student will also choose their own learning goals, giving them support around and accountability for the healthy habits they would like to make an everyday part of their lives. Every week will feature a different topic of exploration ranging from Identity to Fear and Self-Sabotage to Skillfully Navigating Change. We will be working through a beautiful online classroom with a community component, allowing students to connect with one another around their goals and learning.<br />
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Does any of this resonate with you?<br />
Yes? Great!<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">You can get involved with School of Self-Study by....</span><br />
-<b>Taking my course! </b>The maiden voyage cohort is in for a rich treat with this content-rich course, which is the coalescence of years upon years of classes, practice, reading, studying, time, money and effort on my part.<br />
-<b>Sharing this post!</b> If you have found my words and work helpful, please share my new offering with your networks, and directly with anyone who you think could benefit from the School curriculum. There is no experience necessary in any of these practices, and I welcome students from anywhere on the planet.<br />
-<b>Following</b> the School on Instagram (<a href="https://www.instagram.com/schoolofselfstudy/">@schoolofselfstudy</a>) and/or <a href="https://www.facebook.com/schoolofselfstudy/">the Facebook page</a>!<br />
-<b>Giving the School a gift!</b> New business babies take a solid chunk of capital to get off the ground. In addition to the investment of time, I have to cover technology costs to launch the School and offer the course. If you're not interested in taking the Introduction course at this time, but would still like to support my work, please consider sliding me a little gift on PayPal (kirstengallagher@gmail.com) or Venmo (@kirstengallagher).<br />
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There is still so much to do before my baby fully arrives. I am <a href="https://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2019/09/i-am-not-perfect-i-cannot-save-you-and.html">far from perfect</a>, "ready" or done. I'm kind of sort of highly terrified. Nonetheless I'm standing here before doing it anyway. Thank you for the kind encouragement over the years. I wouldn't be here without you.<br />
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xoxox<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyiG_0FeSVOx2NBhh27hmeO3F-n6pP9KbWQtaEVDdyoGMIbqLCoyMy_fqhQjPf2YApXpSbiVe_OcnYxyLYACF8Fw8AsVn_zAXsW8bAaErh2Dw4Bbf6mdjUH92b7n7onBNLsGF9P-Y_Rsg/s1600/74441372_2365886537058441_5042490380885426176_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="937" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyiG_0FeSVOx2NBhh27hmeO3F-n6pP9KbWQtaEVDdyoGMIbqLCoyMy_fqhQjPf2YApXpSbiVe_OcnYxyLYACF8Fw8AsVn_zAXsW8bAaErh2Dw4Bbf6mdjUH92b7n7onBNLsGF9P-Y_Rsg/s320/74441372_2365886537058441_5042490380885426176_n.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
<br />Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-4515296393791250902019-09-13T16:45:00.000-07:002019-09-13T16:46:24.898-07:00I Am Not Perfect, I Cannot Save You, and I Am Allowed to Change.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLf_aJ4DaLvd65-gU_D2pYf0NmX4GORH1_hOa2sRCcQLws1gOhdSuORz6rnTfK_J9SQK9Pdqgp5_ic0KLv1epcckcSTpE4zW9M336Sc7kFQiUi3GkFR1tRKsgScksVU_YnX-L3BODikuw/s1600/19578060_10102466840848078_798712495_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLf_aJ4DaLvd65-gU_D2pYf0NmX4GORH1_hOa2sRCcQLws1gOhdSuORz6rnTfK_J9SQK9Pdqgp5_ic0KLv1epcckcSTpE4zW9M336Sc7kFQiUi3GkFR1tRKsgScksVU_YnX-L3BODikuw/s320/19578060_10102466840848078_798712495_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not Your Beatific Goddess</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The Netflix/Spike Lee Joint, <i>She's Gotta Have It</i>, opens with a third-wall-breaking monologue by main character Nola Darling. She faces the camera and states:<br />
"I would like you to know, the only reason I'm doin' this is 'cause folks think they know me. They think they know what I'm about, and the truth is, they don't know me."<br />
<br />
The series goes on to chronicle Nola's explorations of Self through her art and relationships. I love a lot of things about this show (the soundtrack alone! oh man.) but what I love best is how nuanced the characters are, particularly Nola. You can't help but root for her and her success, even while wincing a bit as she sometimes unskillfully fumbles her way through sticky interpersonal moments. She is imperfect, and she's allowed to be! She gifts herself the space and grace to try things and make mistakes as she learns herself in new, deepening ways.<br />
<br />
This has been a strong source of inspiration for me this summer as I've been navigating a similar exploration of identity. While I very much believe in clinical depression and anxiety, I've become convinced that so much of what makes us anxious or sad is in trying to live as others expect while suppressing anything that doesn't align with what others need from us. Suppressing what's true for us sends a message that there's something wrong, shameful or dangerous about those parts of ourselves, and this creates a war inside our minds and hearts.<br />
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It's been almost nine years since I <a href="https://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2010/11/empty-walls-full-heart.html">started this blog</a>, which also marked the Let Go of my home in San Francisco. Nothing has been the same since I chose to gut everything that made my life what it was in favor of unlimited space and freedom. Early on in this process, I began feeling a strong calling from the energies of Shiva and Kali, and took Them on as my teachers in<a href="https://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2012/02/burn-it-down.html"> burning it down</a> to start anew. What I initially thought (hoped?) would be a sort of semester internship with Them, I'm suspecting may be more of a lifelong calling.<br />
<br />
See, everything I've learned since about my own power, and the magic and medicine that I offer the world, points towards me being a Destroyer. I don't say this as a denigration, but as a simple, neutral fact. I have a preternatural understanding of Time. Like the third of <a href="https://www.greekmythology.com/Other_Gods/The_Fates/the_fates.html">the Three Fates, Atropos,</a> I can sense how much vitality or possibility is left in a thing, and determine what must be let go. My arrival in a moment is almost always a sure sign that change is coming swift and decisive for that place or person. I can smell it on the wind. I crave it. I live for helpful, necessary destruction that opens space for the fresh and new to flourish.<br />
<br />
The tension comes in here in how I've been in the world before this versus how I desire to express my existence now. I haven't changed so much as peeled back the layers of identity applied from the outside to reveal my true nature. I was raised to nurture and support without condition, beyond what was healthy, tasked with making OK out of what was decidedly Not OK. That was my role in the system, and in order to get fed, you have to play your part. And now I cannot. Don't get me wrong; I am by no means perfectly committed to The Truth, but I have a deeply earnest desire to be, and this desire has broken me for that which is Untrue or Not OK. I'm done. Find someone else to CPR your dying thing. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBHXUOogpOg">It ain't me, babe.</a><br />
<br />
Over the years I have not been especially skillful with my fire power. In my Kundalini yoga teacher training, we were encouraged to "be a forklift, not a bulldozer" and that subtlety escaped me for a long time. I have developed more sensitivity since, and an understanding that just because I can see the end nearing, it doesn't mean that it's the moment for people to know that, or that the ending I see is absolute. I've watched conditions change in ways that breathe new life into what looked done for. It's important to remain curious about what's possible even as you hold a knowing in you that seems clearly, concretely certain. Because, realistically, nothing really is.<br />
<br />
Part of the pain of traversing the shifting landscape of how I see myself is the knowing that not everyone receives change well. I have had friendships dissipate over less, and I know there will be losses as I draw new boundaries and redefine my offering in the world. My purposeful, liberating, destructive chaos medicine is not for everyone. Some people really need you to make OK out of that which is decidedly Not OK. They need you to keep playing that part, for they themselves are not ready to face the Unknown of change, of letting go.<br />
<br />
And that's ok. I get it. It's always my desire to <a href="https://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2019/04/a-users-guide-to-not-fucking-it-up.html">keep finding a way back to love and connection</a>, especially with long term loves, and I also recognize the seasonal nature of all things. I'm not here to convince anyone of anything, and I'm also not here to enable unhealthy patterns, situations, relationships, etc etc etc. I love the people I love enough to love them with Oh No Not That No More.<br />
<br />
We don't exist to provide comfort to others to our own detriment. Let me say that another way. You're not here to make others comfortable in ways that hurt you. You don't have to make or uphold agreements about anything that doesn't resonate as true for you just because someone else needs that validation. You are allowed to tell the truth of who you are today, and what you're seeing or experiencing. You are allowed to say no.<br />
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Anything that can't grow with you, can't go with you.<br />
<br />
Say it with me:<br />
<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<b>Anything that can't grow with you, can't go with you.</b></h2>
Take a cue from nature. When shelled creatures outgrow their home, do they carry it around with them? Heck no they don't. They drop it and build a more spacious place to comfortably fit their changing form. Anyone who would ask you to stay compressed in a cramped space is asking you to be uncomfortable for their comfort. I have 100% done this. You probably have, too. It's super common. And yet, we must <a href="https://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2018/09/the-deep-dark-woods-or-place-at-table.html">strive to caretake our own shit and our own needs</a> so that it doesn't restrict the growth of the people we love. Just as much as we are allowed to change, so are they.<br />
<br />
May you have the courage and curiosity to peel back the layers of other people's projections, and honor whatever truth you find there.<br />
May you have the grace and kindness to support others in doing the same.<br />
The absence of growth is the absence of life, and you are still very much alive.<br />
Keep changing. Keep growing.<br />
<br />
xoxoxKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-49560324920388192232019-04-15T19:25:00.000-07:002019-04-15T20:00:10.704-07:00A User's Guide to Not Fucking It Up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR-B8G85fHc6Kxsck9oigko1DXOFCirkHxnPHKNUjY30HmQCi80SzxfwXMQOdIDUUxxqSALRk-ZuycxUfSS3_s_H3s8J8951w2qhsKg5A2taRz801zOVxUJkrYVJQg10aUuv6AIkjxnAo/s1600/57049149_318049972217288_8294239429543854080_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1281" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR-B8G85fHc6Kxsck9oigko1DXOFCirkHxnPHKNUjY30HmQCi80SzxfwXMQOdIDUUxxqSALRk-ZuycxUfSS3_s_H3s8J8951w2qhsKg5A2taRz801zOVxUJkrYVJQg10aUuv6AIkjxnAo/s320/57049149_318049972217288_8294239429543854080_n.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
Human relationships are both what give life so much of its rich meaning and also hazardous minefields of difficulty. Most of us are walking around with wounding we can be unaware of, and when someone rubs up against it, it's easy to interpret something innocuous as a major offense. It's common, we've all reacted in this way before.<br />
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Life is full of let downs, and humans are some of the guiltiest culprits of each other's disappointments. We persist in living among one another because our kind wasn't built for solo cave dwelling. Even as we age, we continue to have <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201502/the-keys-rewarding-relationships-secure-attachment">healthy attachment</a> needs to meet in order to remain optimally well; we need to feel safe, to be seen and known, to be comforted when we're in pain, to feel valued, and to receive support for our best selves. Ideally, all the relationships in our lives would provide that kind of presence, but I've learnt that it's a rare enough occurrence that when you find someone with whom you can share a healthy, loving connection, it's worth investment.<br />
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So much of this investment, the real work of healthy relating, happens inside us when the other person isn't even around. A major shift in my relational consciousness came from digesting the daily writings of New York Buddhist meditation teacher <a href="https://tamlinmusic.wordpress.com/">Paul Weinfield</a>. A couple of years ago he wrote this bit that has stuck with me since:<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>"True love begins on the other side of disappointment. Until a person has let you down and yet you see his goodness anyway, until you understand the absurdity of trying to perfect your brief relationships in the face of death, you do not really love but only chase after what is easy. People are going to fail you, and you must treat their failures as an opportunity to work through your own disappointments and to find a love that does not break even when your ideals do."</b></div>
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He goes on to encourage us to extend this same kind of grace to ourselves, to forgive ourselves for all the ways in which we've disappointed or hurt our own hearts. The process of self-forgiveness was in many ways much scarier and more painful than forgiving someone else. When I finally <a href="https://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2018/09/the-deep-dark-woods-or-place-at-table.html">set the table and invited those wounds to take a seat</a>, I was met with such rage it's easy to understand why one would avoid looking into their darkness.<br />
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However, on the other side of my own disappointment was indeed a love that hadn't broken. Even after all the ways in which I've let myself down, I still possessed a willingness to repair what was wrecked, to mine the pain for wisdom, and to move forward less burdened by the shame of self-sabotage. Although unintended, all this inner effort was ultimately an investment in my relationships with others. Having an easier, more spacious and gracious way of relating to my own failures has helped me to be easier, and more spacious and gracious about the ways that others fail.<br />
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We are all failures in turn. It's important to stay humbled by reflecting on our own unskillful dealings, and to, as Paul suggests, not <b>"get lost in the details of who did or said what and keep your eye on the larger arc of what you’re looking for in all these connections with others. For we tend to be so lost in reacting that we never stop to ask what we want in trying to be close to those whose bodies time will whisk away."</b> What value does this person bring to your life? What is it about them and your connection to them that inspires you to keep them near? How much self-righteous anger are you willing to drop in order to continue to receive the benefit of this nourishing connection?<br />
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Being clear about who and what someone is to you and keeping that at the heart of all your interactions is massively helpful in moving past momentary disappointments. Of course we're wise to keep an eye on the <a href="https://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2016/12/lines-of-credit-and-debt-collection.html">relationship math</a>, and if the numbers stop adding up then we reevaluate. We are only ever in relationship with the person who exists in the moment, not with a past them or a future possibility them. If someone ceases to treat you in a safe and healthy manner, you have every right to walk away. This is our most sacred responsibility to ourselves as adults.<br />
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For the rest of it, ask yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth the loss of someone who loves you because they handled something badly? Or weathered a difficult season and were not themselves for a time? Do no harm and take no shit, sure, but also have some grace and humility. Your next failure is imminent. You'll soon need the patience and compassion of your beloveds. Remember why you love them, and why you chose to draw them near.<br />
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Try to be easy about it. We're playing a long game here. We need good co-conspirators for our adventures.<br />
Keep your love at the heart of it all.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-19970410485602197552019-03-18T16:54:00.000-07:002019-03-18T16:54:17.967-07:00Clawing Out of a Deep Well of Sad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYdWkEBC9UXdejzb2uU1lzNDnRPspIz_JZQUhZ1wyPf6W4gxfA2BJVn9KMezhjYPkcEwwFLVtYCy6eVXzZzFxkhFjJQgs9a28cfoRPsDpA227LSiqWvh6Pi9cAYspVxcUwrJjXCiN266E/s1600/52602122_2135874133334660_5795956386248523776_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYdWkEBC9UXdejzb2uU1lzNDnRPspIz_JZQUhZ1wyPf6W4gxfA2BJVn9KMezhjYPkcEwwFLVtYCy6eVXzZzFxkhFjJQgs9a28cfoRPsDpA227LSiqWvh6Pi9cAYspVxcUwrJjXCiN266E/s320/52602122_2135874133334660_5795956386248523776_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The sad that lives in my body waxes and wanes, but it's never left me. Even when I'm at my most happy, calm and clear, sad is just beyond the edge of the horizon, out of view and still as much a part of me as anything else. When others learn this, it tends to come as a surprise. The way I present and the role I play is most often the cheerful, bright light. It's a large part of the story, but of course it's not the whole story. No one is just one way.<br />
<br />
The picture on the left was taken at the end of the year, at the point of deepest pain I recall ever feeling. I had been crying everyday for awhile, and I would stand on the train platform fantasizing about leaping. I used to volunteer on <a href="https://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-end-of-all-things-or-notes-from.html">a suicide crisis hotline</a> and I still remember my training. I told people close to me how I was struggling, and made promises not to hurt myself. I knew the intent wasn't really there, but I was aching so badly that it was impossible not to desire its alleviation. I was at the bottom of a well and didn't see any way out.<br />
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It's taken a couple months to claw my way out of this one, to begin to feel like the radiant woman on the right again. I'm not seeking sympathy here, but to highlight that, yes, it is important to check on your happy friends. The people with the largest capacity for joy are often capable of a depth of sorrow to match. I live with the vibrancy and gusto I do <b>because of</b>, not in spite of, the times I've spent in the inky black at the bottom of a well of sad. It's also important for us to talk about and normalize depression largely because the fuel that feeds that burn is isolation. My crisis training taught me that my chances for survival would increase if caring people knew how I was feeling and I was accountable to them not to self-harm. If making that agreement with my callers on the line could save their life, it could work for me, too.<br />
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When this most recent moment of acute crisis passed, I felt so much better it was easy to forget that I was still sick. Depression, particularly significant dips like the one I just experienced, is not something you "snap out of." A rousing No Thanks for that brutally dismissive platitude. There is no snapping, there is only the slow slog through daily life that often feels frustratingly, exhaustingly impossible. Even simple things overwhelm, so I've found it useful to just focus on accomplishing those simple things and let those successes mean something.<br />
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A handful of years back I was introduced to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CU9RAGiRdSE">Mama Gena</a>'s concept of Pleasure Research, and began to closely study what added to or subtracted from my overall sense of well being. I compiled a list of habits I check off everyday which individually and collectively help me feel good. Those things range from very modest and basic to more ambitious, and I think about it in terms of adding layers. We begin our recovery with small, light layers- we brush our teeth, we properly feed, water, rest and bathe our bodies. With these consistent acts of care, perhaps we find the juice to add heavier layers- exercise, having a friend over for tea, a daily meditation practice- which contribute to increased energy, connectedness and clarity.<br />
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There is no single prescription that suits everyone, and it's wise to continually revise our routines, for what serves us well now may not always. I encourage you to experiment, and find the habits and tools that help you move from surviving to thriving through the day to day. The one thing I will say for anyone with depression is <b>don't try to do it alone</b>. I know I know, reaching out can be excruciating. But when your head becomes a hornet's nest, the last thing you need is to sit in the middle of it unattended. There is no shame in needing each other, and the more normal we make these conversations, the easier it'll be for people to give and receive good support. We can begin to reframe conditions of the mind as any other illness instead of character flaws.<br />
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You are not alone in your sadness, anxiety, shame or confusion. <a href="https://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2012/07/ordinariness-of-suffering.html">Your pain is a very ordinary thing.</a> Most of us have spent time in deep, dark wells of varying kinds, at a total loss as to what comes next. The way forward begins with simple acts of care and modest expectations. It is small, consistent acts of care that began to build in me a sense of worth for greater love and joy. Make an actual list, check it off everyday and don't use lapses in your care as evidence of what an undeserving piece of shit you are. Do not weaponize the very thing that would heal you. I know that story sounds convincing as hell in your head, but it is both dull and untrue.<br />
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No matter who you are and what you've done, good love and care are basic human needs and our birthright. You're certainly not going to claw your way out of the well by berating yourself for your failings. Drink a glass of water (no, really, go do it right now). Call or message a friend. Go for a walk around the block. Eat something you love. Try to find delight today, even and especially in something small and simple. The Roman poet, Ovid, said that "Dripping water hollows out a stone, not through force but through persistence," and so goes our healing.<br />
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Drip by drip and day by day, we move slowly and steadily forward, relentless in our desire to live.<br />
I love you. I'm with you. Keep going.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-71030522669149903292018-12-21T12:54:00.001-08:002018-12-21T12:54:16.692-08:00Well That Escalated Quickly! or, Toxic Monogamy Culture<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Imagine that you approach a fun-looking roller coaster and without knowing a lot about it, you buy a ticket. As you run through the line to get to the front, there are signs informing you about elements of the ride worth noting, but you only briefly glance, convinced as you are that it's the perfect ride for you. You get strapped in, the car jolts forward, and you realize after the third nauseating loop that this was, in fact, not a great decision.<br />
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Hunter S. Thompson wrote "buy the ticket, take the ride," and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1tCAXVsClw">Dan Savage quotes this</a> in a talk he gave about understanding and getting good with what you're buying into when you enter a relationship. I'm just as guilty as any fool of rushing into love, signing the liability waiver without so much as a skim of the fine print. There's a myriad of possible reasons for this; we live in a culture dominated by a monogamous relational model which passes some toxic mythology off as fact. For instance, under this model physical and emotional intimacy is reserved for committed relationships, and commitment is synonymous with exclusivity. If you're craving a nourishing intimacy, then you have to commit and in order to commit, you have to make a single choice. If you fold in the pernicious lie that potential love is a scarce resource, then the urgency to "lock it down" becomes all the more acute. We are so afraid to miss a "rare" opportunity that we'll sign up without full awareness of what will be asked of us.<br />
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The need for meaningful, loving connection, including physical touch, is an essential part of our humanness. There's nothing thirsty about the desire to be known intimately. Where we go sideways is assuming that intimacy has to be relegated to a romantic context, or rushed to be found in exclusive commitment. I have consciously cultivated emotionally intimate relationships with a handful of close friends over the years, so that in the absence of a lover I would still have a strong web of care and support. These relationships remain a priority no matter my romantic status because the love I share with these people is no less valid or important. I plan to grow old with them on a ranch filled with rescue dogs, and I honestly can't wait.<br />
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The leap of faith may seem to be jumping with abandon into a new love, but I propose the leap that is greater still is to pause at the ticket counter and ask a lot of questions. Walk slowly through the queue and read every sign; if it warns that the ride is contraindicated for those with motion sickness, believe it the first time. Why would they lie about that? We have a responsibility to ourselves as adults to read labels and use our wise discernment to heed red flags. It's not necessarily the ride's fault if you get ill while riding it. Sometimes the possible side effects may be downplayed or obscured, but a leisurely pace gives us time to listen and watch closely, collect data, notice patterns, read the signs.<br />
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No matter how you may suffer for it, you will never change the ride. A monstrous fast roller coaster will never be a gentle swing. We should know, as best we can, exactly what we're consenting to when we get strapped in. What is the true price of admission? Are there compromises involved that you simply cannot afford? We have to trust in the infinite nature of love, and be willing to pass on someone because we can honestly assess that they are not a good match. If we're too fixed on The Idea of a person or a relationship, we'll miss the signs while hurrying to bring our perfect dream into reality. This requires the cooperation of our new love, and it's often evident early on how capable they really are not. Pay attention. Believe them the first time.<br />
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Slowing down doesn't necessarily mean refraining from sexual or emotional intimacy. What I mean by it is, unpack the beliefs and expectations you quietly harbor about what it means to be in a relationship. We all have them. They're reflections of the environments and cultures that shaped us, and they are a part of our specific subjective reality. We should never assume that we understand what other people mean when they say "relationship," or that they understand us. Understanding comes from first getting clear about what you mean and what you're looking for, and then taking the great, vulnerable leap of expressing all this. There are no wrong desires, but there <b>are</b> people who won't be interested in meeting them, and it's best to clarify this early on so everyone can make fully informed choices. They may not serve the role you were hoping, but could play another valuable part in your life for which they're better suited. This is of service to everyone.<br />
<br />
You're free to make the choice to buy the ticket and enter the ride slowly. There's no rush. And I disagree with Hunter; if after waiting in the queue and reading over the signs, if this ride isn't for you, dip out an emergency exit. Don't rush to be harnessed to a thing you haven't taken the time to honestly understand. We are so wont to give up our power to meet our human need for connection, but that's not necessary outside the bounds of monogamy culture. Intimacy does not have to be yolked to exclusive, immersive commitment. We are allowed to explore our connections thoughtfully, distributing access to time and attention with a high degree of discernment and care. We don't automatically owe anyone any degree of access to or control over our lives just because we're vibing with them. We get to explicitly articulate what we're willing to offer (or not), and are always free to adjust later.<br />
<br />
Monogamy can be done well, it just requires reprogramming the embedded ideology that makes it toxic. The wisdom on offer for the monogamous from a polyamorous relational model is the clarity and empowerment available to those willing to exhaustively communicate. It may sound like an unsexy bummer, but if everyone is able to honestly state their needs and what they feel good about offering, imagine the time and long term suffering we'd all be saved. It's vulnerable, sure, but it's also efficient. Unnecessary, unproductive suffering and fresh traumas are things we won't be doing in 2019, thanks.<br />
<br />
There's a Cheryl Strayed "Dear Sugar" bit that I think about a lot: "Limits are not punishments but rather lucid and respectful expressions of our needs and desires and capabilities." It's prudent and perfectly fine to place limits on any relationship, particularly as you get to know someone new. Believe me, I understand the heady allure of jumping in head first, and I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with that so long as you remain aware of the story you're telling about it. In your story, what's happening? What do you expect from this other person in the immediate and in a longterm sense? Have you communicated your expectations and asked for their perspective? Are you willing to let this relationship develop organically, or do you have a predefined path chosen for it?<br />
<br />
Our norms and expectations are often such a natural part of our worldview that they seem objectively correct, even obvious, and it's baffling or offensive when those around us just don't <b>get it</b>. It's not so easy, friend. We must accept that the meaning of Love differs for every human heart, and the only way to know is to ask. Don't assume you're on the same page and don't feel pressured to give anyone full access to your life without proper vetting. Collect enough empirical evidence to determine the true character of the person in front of you, so when you get buckled in for the ride you know what you can reasonably expect.<br />
<br />
Life is chaos, human relationships are messy, and we can never fully inoculate ourselves against hurt. What we can do is stop willfully ignoring what we see or hear for the sake of intimate connection. Diversify your support sources so no matter what somebody who loves you will tell you there's food in your teeth. When you need that. It's also okay to be alone sometimes. You're pretty great and lacking nothing for not having a romantic partner. Being able to walk into the world on your own grants you incredible space and freedom. Take it.<br />
<br />
You got this. You're entirely worthwhile as you are, even if you skip the ride. There will be others.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-31452241084374549372018-09-25T21:08:00.000-07:002018-09-25T21:08:34.679-07:00The Deep Dark Woods, or, A Place at the Table<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When I began to write this it felt familiar, so I scrolled back and discovered that I've written <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2017/05/everything-alive-inside-you.html">three similar pieces</a> in the last two years alone. They all have a <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-ahh-eww-that-lives-in-you.html">slightly different flavor</a>, but the same salient central theme: the importance of learning to <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2016/08/all-that-we-owe-is-our-joy.html">deal with your shit</a>.<br />
<br />
In a previous version of my life, I was crying in therapy because I'd recognized but couldn't seem to overcome my preternatural attraction to unhealthy men. Like Ebeneezer Scrooge, I've often found myself confronted by the ghosts of life past. Most of my "self-work" has been operated under the naive assumption that once I'd learned something, I was done! Got it! Every time I'd find myself revisiting a theme, I would read this as a personal failure and be awash in bitter shame. One of my favorite teachers, Paul Weinfield, wrote this supportive, apropos note today:<br />
<br />
'Try to see your life as a spiral, circling around the same issues, the same problems, the same feelings, yet with ever-deepening wisdom. We have this terrible habit of thinking about life as a series of “levels” we're supposed to be climbing, like some sort of video game, and so when old difficulties inevitably return, we think we've failed...That’s what we think is happening, but that's not what is happening. Wisdom accumulates gradually, subtly, and at a pace that has very little to do with the cyclical way that old patterns re-arise, no matter how much you work on yourself or try to be a better person. What changes with practice is not how your life looks from the outside, but the way you relate to your life.'<br />
<br />
What changed for me, as Paul suggests, was not the scenery of my life but how I chose to be with what arises. Last summer during my daily meditation, I began a new practice: I imagined myself setting a long, spectacular dinner table on the edge of the woods. I laid out all of my favorite foods, lit candles, and invited everyone to come to the table. I quietly called out to the parts of myself that I'd long kept in the deepest dark; the most fearful, shameful, nasty beasties. Slowly, coaxed by the promise of finally being in light, they came. And they were angry.<br />
<br />
The first month of this exercise was brutal. There is something particularly noxious about the harm we cause ourselves; insidious evidence that we're, in fact, such shit that we're not even worth our own good care. I had much to apologize for and more to forgive. When I asked these challenging feelings for guidance, they demanded that I stop trying to get rid of them. They had earned their place in me, and they would not be cast aside like trash. They needed my love, not the judgement that lurks in trying to change or eradicate a thing. So I did what meditation is supposed to help do, and I practiced equanimity in the face of discomfort.<br />
<br />
The surprising relief was that facing the nasty beasties was no more or less uncomfortable than suppressing them. In fact, once I looked at them straight on, they softened their tone. They were sad, tired. They just needed to be seen. Honored. Loved. I once gave a friend in a breakup some advice that I would've been wise to heed earlier: Deal with it now, or deal with it later with someone else, but it'll keep coming for you until you work it out. What we resist truly persists. Being present to our pain may cause discomfort in the immediate, but it is a productive sort of suffering that will lead to greater freedom and ultimately <i>less</i> suffering.<br />
<br />
After many years of reflective practice, I am not so naive now. I expect that what challenges me will reappear later in another form. Each time I circle a familiar theme, I know that I'm being given the gift of refining and strengthening my knowing. It's not only okay but also expected that we won't get it on the first shot. It is not the fact that we face these challenges, it is in how we're able to meet them that helps us build wisdom for the next go around. The longer we wait, shunning essential parts of ourselves, the deeper the hurt carves.<br />
<br />
The gift we most need to give ourselves is what we spend our lifetimes looking for from others: Radical Yes. What do I mean by this? No matter what arises in you, you meet it with Yes.<br />
Not "Yes, go ahead and send that email, Rage!"<br />
but "Yes, I see you. I love you. How can I help?"<br />
It is wonderful and essential to receive this as outside support, but just as essential is learning to provide it for ourselves. This skill offers a particularly nourishing, emboldening freedom that I wish for every human heart.<br />
<br />
May you have the courage to approach your deep, dark woods, set a gorgeous table with a sumptuous spread and offer all the nasty beasties a place to be.<br />
May you meet each of them with all the ease and grace you can muster.<br />
May you not be discouraged when it's time to set the table again.<br />
And again.<br />
You're doing great!<br />
<br />
Listen, learn, refine and keep loving.<br />
<br />
xoxoKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-81741862879944525532018-09-18T17:19:00.002-07:002018-09-18T17:19:53.431-07:00Unfolding Your Own Myth, or, Born Worthy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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At the end of the first week of my first "real" job as an adult, my manager checked in with me to see how it went. I looked her straight in the eyes and with bewilderment in my voice said, "I have to come here everyday." This didn't last long.<br />
<br />
In retrospect, I see how this early exposure to professional work left a sour taste in my mouth. I was employed by a for-profit education corporation that tasked me with keeping students in school even if they really needed to be, say, going to rehab (many of them did). The school also encouraged students to take out large loans that they would never be able to repay with the low wage jobs they would be qualified for upon completion. Despite working with some excellent people, the environment was predominantly unhealthy. It took less than a year for me to jump ship for massage school and a helping career that didn't involve shoes or a cubicle.<br />
<br />
In the 10 years since, I've done an eclectic smattering of work that's given me access to a variety of interesting places and people. What I've amassed is a collection of experiences that doesn't constitute any sort of obvious cohesive career, but what a fun, strange trip it's been. That said, if my life were a house, the room for professional work would be sprouting wild overgrowth through floorboards. Cobwebs clinging. Feral cats napping in the sun let in by cracks in the ceiling. My personal raging against the machine lead me to neglect this aspect of my life until it occurred to me that there was no need to settle; I could build a room to suit my style and needs.<br />
<br />
A major hindrance I face in this development is my own critical comparative voice. I look admiringly at people I respect excelling in their careers and deride myself for not getting my shit together sooner. My inner ally steps in to gently remind me that there is no Should. There is not a reality that exists in which I made different choices. I have arrived here on the wings of every past Yes or No, and as I'm deeply grateful for my life, I can only view its unfolding with amazement. I choose to trust the innate genius of this unfolding, the creativity of which I never could've devised on my own.<br />
<br />
Human beings thrive inside stable boundaries and structures, and so our species patterned a Way to Be to guide our movement through life. Like plants, though, every human life has a different rhythm with which it cycles to bloom. We lose this truth in comparing our reality to what we've been conditioned to believe is normal and in how others are achieving markers of success. As varied as we naturally are, there could never be a single path to satisfy the yearnings of every human heart. The subscription to a one-size-fits-all approach leads some to compromises they often cannot bear later.<br />
<br />
Purpose and meaningful work are important to overall happiness, but we each get to choose the meaning and the method. Not everyone is here to doctor or lawyer. Not everyone will college, career, marriage, baby. Our world is served best by a diversity of ideas, skills, paths and passions. It may feel scary or isolating to move outside the default, but you're in good company if you do. Where would we be without dreamers, artists and inventors? Dissatisfaction with the status quo is a birthplace of innovation.<br />
<br />
It's a tender, vulnerable thing to speak your truth with no idea how it'll be received. My life has been shaped and saved by those who were bold enough to make themselves visible by offering their unique gifts to the world. It humbles me to consider the risk they took to make their contribution and inspires me to do the same; after all, there may be people out there who are relying on me to be so bold.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Cue the most joy and confidence stifling question of all: "Who the FUCK do you think you are?"<br />
This nasty snarl voice is the greatest inhibitor of my contribution making. There is some comfort knowing that this is a thought plague among creators of all kinds, but it still stings each time it blazes in screaming. There is an unevolved part of the old animal brain that fears being caught outside the herd. Of course it's illogical; we won't be picked off by a lion if we go our own way, but we're still hardwired for sameness is safe and the unknown is death.<br />
<br />
Not only does self-doubt and comparison diminish our joy, it also siphons our energy and focus away from our purpose. While we're preoccupied with someone else's path, we neglect our own. I've spent a lot of time in a depression/anxiety spiral of feeling unworthy to be genuinely fulfilled in my work and hating myself for the way this stymies my progress towards creating a life that I'll love. Many early attempts to do this have failed because a part of me feels not only undeserving but also afraid to get what I desire. The twisted logic is that I'm a fraud who hasn't "earned" happiness and if I get it, everyone will know and will be mad at me. Yeesh. Someone's got a raging case of<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUxL4Jm1Lo"> impostor syndrome</a>.<br />
<br />
All this said, it’s a tempting habit to believe that happiness lies on the other side of the next success. “When...when...when…” we say. Time and a regular meditation practice have taught me that if you can't meet yourself with love and compassion as you are today, happiness will always be out of reach. There’s no personal or professional milestone that will make you worthy of love. You were born worthy to receive all <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2018/05/desire-as-language-of-god-or-we-need.html">the desires of your sacred heart</a>.<br />
<br />
The mysterious unfolding of life has also shown me that timing truly is everything. What's possible for me now would not have been possible six months ago. I can employ this understanding to help me be patient and gentle with myself, while also knowing that sometimes we have to get to work before we feel ready. New adventures present too many unexpected variables to plan for every outcome. The future version of myself begs me to take the leap anyway, for it is her that has to live with what I choose today.<br />
<br />
We can only begin here and now with what we have in front of us. It's difficult to get going if we're mired in self-criticism or frustration, so the natural starting place is forgiveness. Forgive yourself for every failure and stall and misstep, for the innumerable ways you might've let yourself down. <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2018/04/failing-all-over-myself.html">You're not here to perfect anything.</a> It will only stoke fear and anxiety if you try, and distract you from your purpose.<br />
<br />
Do what you can today towards a life Future You will love.<br />
Be as easy as you can about it. <br />
It's your life, sure, but you can always try again.<br />
You were born to fulfill your deepest desires.<br />
You were born worthy of happiness.<br />
It's what the world needs most from you.<br />
Let's get to work.<br />
<br />
xoxoKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-51477477036823050902018-06-09T18:09:00.000-07:002018-06-10T00:04:59.277-07:00The End of All Things, or, Notes from the Suicide Hotline<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Anthony Bourdain was my godfather of gregarious adventure. I admired his raw honesty, open mindedness, and the way he sought to expand understanding and appreciation of other cultures. He inspired boldness in me to reach out into the world and eat everything. This feels a bit like the loss of a distant but beloved mentor. I will miss his perspective and mourn the work he'd yet to create.<br />
<br />
When I was in university, I spent a year working San Francisco Suicide Prevention's crisis hotline. I needed volunteer hours for a class and picked the hotline because at one point in my youth I'd found help through a similar resource. When I tell people about my experience, they expect it to have been depressing. While there were certainly very difficult, haunting moments, the work was largely heartwarming and entirely rewarding. Most of our callers were experiencing suicidal ideation but were not actively suicidal; they didn't have a plan, they were just lonely. They found comfort in the compassionate human connection they were met with on the line and expressed rich gratitude for it. I had callers who'd worked out my schedule and would check in with me weekly. It was an honor to be a safe, warm person for them.<br />
<br />
Another bit people find surprising is that we were trained to never tell people not to kill themselves. We would ask people to agree to call if they were forming a plan to hurt themselves, but otherwise the tactic was to help them find something to do that was more interesting. Sometimes a conversation would go, "Have you read anything good lately? I was at the library the other day and picked up ____________. It's really great! The library is such a peaceful place. Have you been lately?" It wasn't always so simple and it may sound grossly flippant in the face of death, but it worked for people so many times. They needed someone to hear them and offer a new idea.<br />
<br />
A few years later, I was in massage school and was asked to tutor a young woman. She was having trouble connecting with her clients; her quality of touch was cold, mechanical. As we worked together, as I listened to her speak, watched her move, it became apparent to my well trained senses that she was profoundly unwell. She was there but not there, her vitality a small, flickering candle. I expressed my concern to our school officials. I knew the sound and feel of the desire to die, and it had eaten up most of this human heart. Of course they couldn't disclose her personal details, but told me that people were taking care of her.<br />
<br />
I met with her on Friday. By Monday she was dead.<br />
<br />
This shook me badly, more so than any of my most difficult calls on the line. I had shared touch with her, I saw the consuming darkness in her. I knew. I knew and I warned people who might be able to help. I went through an exhaustive, professional training in Suicide Prevention & Crisis Management, and worked on one of the nation's biggest hotlines. I had helped countless people find a way back to Life, but none of that mattered. I couldn't help her.<br />
<br />
This is one of the most important, humbling pieces of my training, though. No matter how much we might want to, we will never be able to save or control other people. Humans were equipped with freewill and will ultimately always do the thing they find the most compelling. Someone who truly wants to die will die. And this is the last surprising bit of my time on the line; while we were all there to help people choose to live, we also came to believe in a person's right to self-determination. I would never encourage it, but no one makes it to the point of suicide completion casually. This choice is found at the bottom of a very deep, dark well. It's hard to fathom how enveloping this feeling is unless you've lived it, or been with someone in this acute moment of pain. No other choice or reality exists for them.<br />
<br />
If you're suicidal, I won't ask you not to kill yourself. Everyone must determine the course of their own lives. I can't make that choice for other people because I'm unable to bear a decision so weighty. However, I will ask you to make an agreement; if you're considering hurting yourself, please connect with a compassionate voice outside your own head before you do. You may find that they bring to light a compelling alternative that you'd yet to consider. If you don't feel comfortable talking with someone you know, there are trained, caring professionals (like I was!) who are there to hear you:<br />
<br />
In the US: <a href="https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/">National Suicide Prevention Hotline</a><br />
Outside the US: <a href="http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html">International Suicide Hotlines</a><br />
<br />
There are no easy answers to this incredibly complex topic. My biggest takeaway from my time working with people in pain and in the learning I've done since is that the intimacy of being known is essential to human health. We must have connection and community. The natural human need to be seen, heard and loved has been derided as "needy" but this is the voice of those terrified of vulnerability. It is a vulnerable thing to be known, but we cannot be well without it. Please let other people see inside your heart. Please be curious about the state of other people's hearts. All we have is each other. We're in this together.<br />
<br />
Have you read a good book lately? Have you watched an electric sunset or smelled the earth after a rainstorm? Have you eaten a delicious bowl of questionable meat soup on a Vietnamese street corner? Have you taken a walk around the block, and watched the way birds sail in defiance of gravity? Have you pet a good doggo? I don't know what lies on the other side of death, but I know that life is rich with wonder and mysterious potential. The longer I live the more hungry I become for the unveiling of that mystery. I invite you to join me in not being content to die until you've unfolded every secret clue, soaked in every pleasure and eaten everything.<br />
<br />
Stay hungry. Keep moving. I love you.<br />
<br />
xoxoKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-23023565958589130782018-05-20T18:57:00.001-07:002018-05-20T20:15:49.709-07:00Desire as the Language of God, or, We Need A Forest Fire<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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On the Friday before I left, I woke up with a fire to do laundry and repack my bag. I didn't yet know I was leaving, but the desire to go home had been clear and present in me for awhile. I drew out the decision for as long as possible, encumbered by the ego drive to not yet <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2018/04/failing-all-over-myself.html">"fail"</a> at traveling for the whole year. What would it mean to give up on that dream?<br />
<br />
An authentic, persistent desire cannot be suppressed, though. When I finally gave in, I was relieved and happy. My very sincere need for a total overhaul of my plan overcame my expectations for myself and my fear of other's perceptions. When I told my best friend I was coming back, she invited me to Portland and the thought lit up all my cells with Hell Yes. Just as clear as I'd been about going home, I was now sure of this. All the pieces slid easily into place and I made the leap into a brand new plan.<br />
<br />
Trusting the wisdom of my desires doesn't come naturally. I'm inclined to be wary of following these calls to action. Often when an impulse or yearning arises, it doesn't make any logical sense. It's just a nebulous Knowing rooted in my gut that this is the best possible way to proceed. The inability to qualify WHY and have full knowledge of where the desire will lead is terrifying to me. Being on the road with the privilege of incredible freedom has trained me to give new credence to the intuitive genius of my gut. Having a strong sense of timing and rightness is a function of basic survival, and also the birthplace of magic. We must know when to stay and when to go, finger on the pulse of organic flow. When I hear and act on these whispers, the Why of it is often unfolded slowly, but I always find myself exactly where I need to be, when I need to be there.<br />
<br />
Trusting in this is especially difficult when the desire is to break something. Break a lease. Break a plan. Break a habit. Break a heart. Nevertheless, if you find a deep rooted desire planted in you, you must investigate it as if it is the language of God and this is how Creator is speaking to you. If the thought of a person or an opportunity lights up all your cells with a vibrant Hell Yes, get it. If it doesn't, I ask you the same question a friend asked me years ago; "If you're not doing what you want to do, what are you doing?"<br />
<br />
Your desire may not make logical sense. In fact, your desire may be a spark threatening to burn the whole forest down. Everything you grew and worked for, gone. However frightening this prospect may be, if it is clear and present within you it cannot be ignored. All of our choices, whether short or long term, are made only with the intelligence we have in the moment. We have to embrace that our needs may change overtime and what we desire will adjust accordingly. It's okay to change your mind and redirect your life. Sometimes it's vitally essential.<br />
<br />
You possess an intuitive genius. It will be a compass in the wildness, leading you in every moment to that which is most true for you. The path may be revealed slowly, but step out onto it even if you shake in your boots. Sometimes our lives require a forest fire to become the most gloriously unfolded, fully expressed, joyful adventures possible. Gather your courage. Burn it all down if you have to. Do whatever it takes to live in alignment with your deepest yearnings.<br />
<br />
Trust the language and wisdom of your desire. You know what you have to do. If you don't yet, be still and listen.<br />
<br />
xoxoKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-8651649412716652122018-04-24T09:09:00.002-07:002018-04-24T09:09:58.848-07:00Failing All Over Myself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin4KZWE9npivKOpH4NAtwQegGs_2r4BAEneBHeLnHfjqBkdmXIfZka1Gbnen7OgI4hgjivPvSwxw45Y1uEHGdqA-1Oqtaw6X3pX81GPGqwsvvERLf02_NWNuw-wzXDHiY_7FxWm8kLwes/s1600/31190028_10102869792908918_3470848640531038208_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="373" data-original-width="280" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin4KZWE9npivKOpH4NAtwQegGs_2r4BAEneBHeLnHfjqBkdmXIfZka1Gbnen7OgI4hgjivPvSwxw45Y1uEHGdqA-1Oqtaw6X3pX81GPGqwsvvERLf02_NWNuw-wzXDHiY_7FxWm8kLwes/s320/31190028_10102869792908918_3470848640531038208_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
Being found wrong or imperfect ignites in me a cornered animal savage snarl. I don't know if failure is a common nightmare among children, but for as long as I can remember it's been my greatest fear. A quiet agreement rattling around in my subconscious asserted that my worth was tied to perfection. Maybe at the end of a semester of straight As, as soon as my thighs gapped, when my hair was smooth and tame, as long as I never ever said or did the wrong thing...THEN! Then I would be worthy of love and respect.<br />
<br />
My whole life has been spent gripped by the fear of Fucking It Up. This didn't stop me from being passionately curious and eager to learn, but as soon as things got a bit too challenging and the possibility of failure loomed, I would bolt. I honestly expected myself to be good at everything, even things I was just learning. When caught in a mistake, my gut reaction was fear-fueled resentment and rage. I have had no resilience to the experience of being seen as unmasterful.<br />
<br />
Earlier this year, I left home to travel the world and immediately began amassing mistakes. I bought a backpack with mixed reviews based solely on its appearance, and it ended up being pretty terrible to carry. I've been knowingly hustled at least twice but there were surely more instances of which I'm unaware. I severely underestimated the effect that Vietnamese New Year would have on the country, and had to fly places because all the trains were sold out. Speaking of flying, last month I missed an international flight because I'm an arrogant jerk about airport arrival time, and, until then had "never missed a flight!" Recently to save a few dollars, I booked a hostel in Singapore that was actually awful. Seriously, just pay the extra money.<br />
<br />
Is it an incredible privilege to be traveling around the world making mistakes? Yes. Does that make them less painful? Not really. In fact, because they've often happened in vulnerable moments, each misstep has generated a disproportionate feel of urgency. After a few months of consistently not getting it right, I started to be worn down by my highly charged reactions to these moments. In my exhaustion, the possibility emerged for surrender. As uncomfortable as it's been, I have been finding more ease in being found imperfect. And in this place of resignation, a wonderfully relaxing, liberating thought arose...<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">"I'm not here to perfect anything."</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Perfection is neither real nor attainable. Human beings are inherently flawed, and we spend our lives disappointing ourselves and others, making messes with unskillful behavior, and not measuring up. We may experience moments of sublime glory but they will be replaced shortly by some sort of failure. It's the difficult, inescapable truth of our condition here. We can try our best to do our best, but the circumstances won't always be present for Best. Just Okay will be all we can muster sometimes, and we have to make peace with that.<br />
<br />
Here are some things that I will no longer attempt to perfect...<br />
-my body (it's a daily miracle and my home and I will not wage war on it)<br />
-my actions (try to do no harm, take no shit, try to do some good)<br />
-my relationships (we're going to hurt each other. we'll try not to, but it's okay if it happens. we are not individually perfect so cannot possibly be perfect together)<br />
-the people I love (y'all are weirdos, thank goodness. I see you clearly and love you for all of who you are. yes, even that)<br />
<br />
A life newly freed from the pursuit of perfection blossoms with exciting possibilities. Each time I think "I'm not here to perfect anything," my mind and body relax a bit more. I feel safer in my own presence; shamed slices of my being, hardened from a lifetime of criticism, warm and melt as spring thaw. Bold choices, ripe for failure, become a modicrum more exciting and a little less frigntening. My worth sets deep roots into firm soil, to be disconnected from and unmoved by mistakes made. A fresh calm washes over me embracing that I cannot control or perfect the people in my life. I can only meet them and their imperfections with love and the humility to see that I require that same sort of grace.<br />
<br />
If you're like me and you've spent your life battling it out with your own natural imperfections, I invite you to end the war. Refuse the subconcious agreement that you must be perfect in order to be worthy of happiness and good care from yourself and others. Human beings are inherently flawed but nonetheless we are also inherently worth loving. If you hold off being happy until everything is "perfect," you will die in dissatisfaction, still struggling to attain an impossible illusion. That is not for you.<br />
<br />
You are not here to perfect anything.<br />
<br />
You will not be the one who finally achieves the unachievable.<br />
You will never be a flawless master.<br />
You will fail, sometimes in ways that really matter.<br />
<br />
It doesn't mean that you can't try to do the best thing for the moment.<br />
It doesn't mean that you don't deserve good loving.<br />
<br />
What fresh possibilities would blossom for you if you refused to frightfully pursue perfection?<br />
<br />
May you discover this for yourself.<br />
xoxoKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-90162250114580498002017-10-11T15:57:00.000-07:002017-10-11T15:57:56.140-07:00Turn Me On, or, The Terror of Our Desire<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimu8lVPfI6Kab_x5xNPiBLDKMs-00GxIRJPLv164CUPBvUxvlKL-ngP0_B6LQEv16E-DoyfjdOg8-mcmNQqDwfEKIuFZsY67Kvu7_rt-QwETRxMEExgqI_A8ZDek1HHZoOqw7iYEEey5g/s1600/Sprinkler.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="401" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimu8lVPfI6Kab_x5xNPiBLDKMs-00GxIRJPLv164CUPBvUxvlKL-ngP0_B6LQEv16E-DoyfjdOg8-mcmNQqDwfEKIuFZsY67Kvu7_rt-QwETRxMEExgqI_A8ZDek1HHZoOqw7iYEEey5g/s400/Sprinkler.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It's the last day of school and the most sublimely beautiful, early summer day in New York City. My charge is at the park with a pack of his best friends, there is an endless supply of pizza and sweets, and I've just given him permission to play in the kid's water fountains in his school uniform. Because childhood. Because summer. Because get dirty. Why not? He sprints away before I can change my mind, bursting through the water with unreserved, joyful abandon. This goes on for hours. I watch with wonder at his full presence in the moment and his total commitment to the task at hand: having the most fun possible. Right here. Right now.<br />
<br />
Later on I've moved into my evening and my own version of fun: Breathe-In, a movement and meditation event held monthly by two of my favorite teachers in New York. Before class begins, I'm laying out quietly, dissolving the day and trying to arrive fully to the moment when a question drifts up clear and strong from my deep center of knowing:<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">"When will you let me be happy?"</span></b><br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTm5yG_6-Sw2m1_DT6pTN9XbDBEhA6oO47EjdNJBnABIGWmv9FUn4VJaNY5yHPvHHiJgtYj516tS7YD1Xb0hFXbpljmL1H6ibFpwX94pQ-seU4DaaMWPbOhBpZfvOvj60B4aWR4oclUqs/s1600/22450561_10102624463491038_1808694038_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1136" data-original-width="852" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTm5yG_6-Sw2m1_DT6pTN9XbDBEhA6oO47EjdNJBnABIGWmv9FUn4VJaNY5yHPvHHiJgtYj516tS7YD1Xb0hFXbpljmL1H6ibFpwX94pQ-seU4DaaMWPbOhBpZfvOvj60B4aWR4oclUqs/s320/22450561_10102624463491038_1808694038_o.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Basic nature, forever and always.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
My earliest, most clear memories are of pleasure. In a particularly deviant moment, I recall being maybe five years old and grinding on the pew in front of me while standing to pray during Catholic mass. AMEN! I also remember being caught in the act, a hissing no, and confusion over why something that felt good wouldn't be okay. Sheila Kelley, founder of the transformative movement system S Factor, calls this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFsUv2SDMq8">The First Offense</a>- the first time we recall some part of us being coded as shameful. It is the beginning of the turning off of that aspect of our being. We must behave in pro-social ways in order to be accepted and included in the tribe. When a behavior is coded as anti-social, we must repress it in order to survive in our environments. It may not actually be life or death, but it feels it, and that's all that counts to our body's trauma response. We don't know why, but this part of ourselves is unacceptable and it must go in order for us to live.<br />
<br />
Just as the failure of an organ will lead to an overall system shutdown, the repression of one expression of self leads to the unintended dulling or shutdown of other areas. I've met so many women who are so disconnected from their pleasure that not only do they not know their sexual selves but they can't tell you much of anything that lights them up inside.<br />
<br />
Pleasure encompasses so much more than the sexual; it's a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. Delight. Glee. Gratification. Contentment. Similarly, our Turn On is actually so much more than our sex. Our Turn On is the fathomless well of our personal magic. What does it mean to be Turned On? We tend to think of it only as sexual arousal, but let's look at it more broadly. It could mean; to make a piece of equipment or machinery start working, to start a supply of electricity, to activate a system.<br />
<br />
To Bring to Life. To Awaken. To Empower. This is what happens when we live Turned On, and people who are fully alive and awake, living in their power, cannot be fooled, manipulated or controlled. You cannot sell them shit they don't need for problems they don't actually have because they know who they are. The smooth flow of a capitalist society depends on a gnawing sense of listless discontent and insecurity. People who have come alive are staging a daily rebellion that makes them strangers in the world, and straying outside the herd feels dangerous. Those who stand out and shine bright are easier to pick off, put down. To live boldly and be seen clearly is a vulnerable act.<br />
<br />
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
This piece started on June 22nd. I spent the summer very seriously considering the question "When will you let me be happy?" and all its implications; 1) That I am not happy, 2) In what ways am I unhappy?, 3) Oh no, I play a very large part in this unhappiness, and 4) What am I willing to do to be happy?<br />
<br />
Through deep meditation and some domestic travel journeys, I discovered my most authentic desire, and riding along in its sidecar, enormous terror. I know what I want and I am absolutely terrified of it. My desire flaunts social convention for the lives of good citizens and respectable women. My most authentic desire is to travel the world full time. I want to live location independent, allowing the flow of life to have its way with me. I want to be able to make money on every continent, in every time zone. I don't want a TV or a husband or a permanent address. I want total freedom and a whole planet's worth of space. All the space and freedom that a US passport holder can get.<br />
<br />
There's not a lot of compassion on offer for those who stand out. Celebrities and basically anyone on the internet is on the possible receiving end of baseless cruelty. I feel vulnerable admitting my desire, terrified of the hissing "No," of having this thing that I need to be happy codified as shameful. How selfish I am to even admit this, let alone to take action! We don't get to follow our pleasure. It is to be swallowed to choking, swallowed to death. Because others were told No, so you will be told No, so you must tell yourself No. There's an unspoken responsibility to collectively suffer.<br />
<br />
Nevertheless, today I'm coming to you live from a flight to San Francisco during which I've taken online courses in designing sales funnels and viral marketing. On January 1st, 2018, I'm catching a one way to Thailand where I will begin an indefinite period of world travel, working online along the way in social media strategy and writing. The next few months will be spent saving money and learning a new, mobile trade so that I can follow my pleasure to the ends of this earth.<br />
<br />
My responsibility in life is not to validate the unhealthy suppression of desire. My responsibility is to myself and to answer the question "When will you let me be happy?"<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Now.</b></span><br />
<br />
Today, wild bird. I'll gut my possessions. I'll risk colossal failure. I'll do the thing that scares and thrills me most. For freedom. For authentic joy. To ensure that I know, for better or worse, exactly what it is to live my truth.<br />
<br />
You many want a TV or a husband or a permanent address, and that's great! It doesn't matter what the desire is, what matters is the responsibility you have to yourself to see it fulfilled. Look and listen for what it is that will bring you joy and even if it scares you half to death, go for it. Many may tell you how stupid or selfish you are being, but it's you that has to live in your reality.<br />
<br />
Make it exactly what it needs to be for you.<br />
<br />
#yolo<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
<br />Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-37956554159853184542017-06-21T06:48:00.000-07:002017-06-21T06:48:36.685-07:00Will Yoga For Likes, or, Growing Up Your Yoga<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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These photos were taken on the same day three years apart. One might expect that "progress" would look like a foot on the head in an even deeper backbend. Alas! In the interim, I've become the inhabitant of a whole new body. An as-yet-unhealed injury to my right shoulder makes <a href="https://www.yogajournal.com/poses/upward-bow-or-wheel-pose">Urdhva Dhanurasana</a> extremely painful to come into and limits my mobility in the pose significantly. Yes, this is still a deep full wheel, but I can no longer pull my chest forward with perfectly straight arms. I can no longer do the full expression of the pose and as a result, I totally suck. I'm a terrible yogi and an even worse person. Sorry.<br />
<br />
Jk! In the age of social media overshare, it's easy to compare ourselves to others in many different contexts and feel less than. The full reality behind the perfect photo is rarely divulged. When those "30 day challenges" started rolling out on Instagram, I did ALL of them. I would spend part of every day forcing my unwarm body into poses I couldn't always safely complete. What you saw may have looked impressive, but I was often uncomfortable and unsafe, and this is not yoga.<br />
<br />
#ProgressNotPerfection was my go to hashtag for my "progress shots," revealing the naive assumption that my body would only get bendier and that progress was a linear path into ever fuller expressions of advanced poses. Did being able to do a "perfect," full expression of Urdhva make me happy? Or a better person? No, it didn't. Neither did producing a steady stream of awe inspiring yoga photos that I look back on cringing. All I see is me disrespecting my body, and I did it all for the likes.<br />
<br />
Injury is a great teacher. With progress limited by my new shoulder, I have had to find satisfaction in my practice not in how it looks on Instagram but in how it feels in my body. Even when I'm in class, I'm still having a personal practice, hiding out in the back and making small modifications to the sequence. It's the humbling my ego needed to be able to use yoga to make friends with myself rather than utilize it as one more tool of internalized oppression. I jokingly apologize for being "bad at yoga," but this is real. I hear it all the time from people who don't feel comfortable coming to the mat in their state of utter social media unsexiness.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, despite my best attempts not to, I still catch myself watching other people's yoga. I see clenched jaws, shallow breath, straining, grasping. I see myself, younger in my practice, trying to push my way into a shape that I couldn't actually embody. Injury has made me a bit of an alignment purist, but honestly, if we're not going to practice the poses with integrity, what are we doing? Yoga is a space to meet yourself honestly where you are and to work from there. If you can't touch the ground without rounding your back, grab a block! Go to the place where you feel an edge-pushing discomfort and stop there, even if it's a million miles from where you think you should to be.<br />
<br />
You may find overtime that your body opens deeper, that you are able to find the poses in fuller expression. One day you may graduate to having the block on its lowest level, then removing it entirely. You may get injured and have a humbling scale back of activity.<br />
<br />
Alternately, perhaps your muscles will remain steadfastly stiff, movements ungraceful. poses partially expressed. But you keep showing up, despite how "bad" you are at yoga, because when you're there, you feel at home in your body. When you move, you are stretching to find the most space, freedom and ease possible in the moment. You find the places in you of discomfort and learn to be with them lovingly because this is the only way to thrive. You ride the breath to this clear understanding...<br />
<br />
This practice, this body, this life, only belong to you. You are not here to impress anyone, or to convince anyone of anything. You are here to live well, joyfully, and in alignment with your own truth, respecting your natural limits.<br />
<br />
Don't be fooled. Everything else is noise.<br />
<br />
<br />Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-64333828684350269322017-06-18T12:36:00.000-07:002017-06-18T12:47:01.267-07:00Giving Up Making Good, or, The Father Wound on Father's Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When I was young and I would tell my father "I love you," he would reply "Thank you." As human communication continued to devolve, if I wrote it in a text, his reply was the smiling emoji wearing sunglasses. Seriously.<br />
<br />
My father would be quick to point out all the terrible things he *didn't* do, as if one should be rewarded for not doing things that you shouldn't be doing anyway. No, sir, you do not get a medal for *not* beating your wife and children. Physical assault is illegal. Your prize for avoiding it is not going to jail. Nice try, though.<br />
<br />
349 days ago it became abundantly clear to me what an unsafe man my father is to have in my life and I cut him off. No longer would he be allowed to mishandle my tenderness, tearing my wounding open again and again. This is the beauty of adulthood. We get to thoughtfully filter who and what we let in. We get to erect firm boundaries for self love and preservation. It is our most powerful responsibility to ourselves; to choose wisely, lovingly, firmly.<br />
<br />
This is my first father's day as a fatherless daughter. In the weeks before today, the ads for socks and grills picked up speed and every one made me cringe a bit. I've been stewing in a growing mix of mourning and guilt. I've heard whispers that he's lonely and sad. An ill informed family member reached out to me suggesting that I make peace; "He IS your father, after all." It is my desire that all beings be free from suffering, and I hate the idea of anyone feeling desperately alone, but what of my own suffering? What of the lifetime that I spent carrying the yoke of trying to make good, only to realize that I never had control over him? That his happiness was never my responsibility?<br />
<br />
The oddest sensation is of missing him. But it is not him. It is the *idea* of Father; a steady, sensible, abundantly loving, available, thoughtful man who would be there when I needed him. A kind, present parent who wouldn't always get it right but who would keep showing up with care, no matter what. This was not my experience but I miss it, somehow. This thing I never had but always desperately wanted. I have called upon and embodied my own masculine to father myself into some semblance of healing and completion. I am my own father now. But on days like today, I wish I didn't have to be.<br />
<br />
If you have someone in your life who does more harm than good, hear me clearly: this is your permission to walk away. You are allowed to give up trying to make good. Because other people are in charge of their own joy, not us. Because you are a grown up and you have to be your own best parent now; the sort of parent that you maybe never had but longed for. And a good parent says No when no is needed. A good parent protects the tender parts of their baby. A good parent knows what Cheryl Strayed expressed in a Dear Sugar column years ago; "Limits are not punishments, but rather lucid and respectful expressions of our needs and desires and capabilities."<br />
<br />
They may be family but you don't owe them anything.<br />
Do no harm but take no shit.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-79426259042585951842017-05-08T14:24:00.000-07:002017-05-08T14:29:22.446-07:00Everything Alive Inside YouHe bought a gorgeous aboriginal throw as a memento and as the space for our afternoon work. We took it over the railroad tracks, down the winding, sandy path to a quiet place on the dunes, removed from the beach below. I lay down and he set to his task rhythmically delivering the most profound healing work I've ever received. Honestly, no hyperbole. I reeled for days after, tremoring, laughcrying in yoga, swimming in the ocean, rolling around on the floor, writing pages on pages all in an attempt to integrate the way my mind and heart had just been blown wide. It was a glorious surprise, by far my best travel souvenir to date.<br />
<br />
The last time I experienced such a deep inner earthquake was nine years ago when I was diving into Kundalini yoga, and, as I like to quip, Kundalini made me quit my job, my relationship, San Francisco...etc. In a word, this practice was destructive. Anything that wasn't fully in alignment with my truth and well being had to go. And this saved my life.<br />
<br />
Perhaps then you can imagine the gratitude I have for my new healer friend, and the <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com.au/2017/03/greedy-and-gluttony-failing-at.html">attachment</a> I found cropping up as our time together began to close. When one has met someone who matches them so neatly, who is attuned, readily vulnerable and open, it's natural to want to keep them around. There also arises the danger of attaching the healing you've experienced to the practitioner.<br />
<br />
This happens across realms of healing. Sometimes people transition from hard drugs or boozing to yoga and attribute all their success to The Yoga. I've even just written it: "Kundalini yoga saved my life." While it is true that yoga and meditation generate actual, physiological changes, these practices would be entirely ineffective without disciplined commitment. As they say in AA, "It Works If You Work It." It is the work we put in and our willingness to heal that makes the difference. We keep coming back...and it works!<br />
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The Healing is grown and lives inside us. It is not a gift given outside of ourselves from a teacher, preacher, therapist or guru. The Healing is the fruit of our labor, the reaping of our sowing. "Healers" are truly facilitators, creating the space and giving the permission wherein you are able to do the work. This is a valuable art, but without your will, all is for naught. When they are gone, when you've stepped off your yoga mat or out of their office, your healing remains with you and the course of it is in your hands.<br />
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If you are in a practice or see a healer that makes their presence necessary for your continued equilibrium, RUN away. The healing practitioner's goal should always be to become obsolete to you. Healing tools should serve to strengthen us to the point where we no longer need them. When you reach the roof of the house, do you drag the ladder up with you? No. It has served its purpose. You let it go.<br />
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Just as our healing does, all our feelings and experiences live within us. Love, for example, is not an inert, scarce resource that can be given away, lost, stolen or otherwise possessed. Our love is not "wasted" for having been shared with someone who leaves. It is alive in everyone and everything, in abundance never ending. There may be external stimuli which help inspire love or joy, but those feelings were in you all along. Happiness really is an inside job.<br />
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On the other side of the same coin, we must contend with our pain, shame and rage as beings living inside us. This is not Inception. No one snuck in in the night and planted them there. They were there and something happened to activate them, but they still belong to you. If you refuse to take responsibility for them and remain mindful of their activity, you risk having them control you from the underground.<br />
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During some recent train writing, I had an epiphany about attachment: part of what makes letting go of relationships and moments so hard is the feeling of loss that accompanies this, but we're not seeing the whole picture. While the moment may be over or your loved one gone, you are free to pool the experience, and to retain whatever joy remains or lessons that serve you. Sometimes we keep trying to return to something we know we can't resurrect looking for validation of what happened. It was real and whatever happened therein has not gone away! You get to keep all the healing that you experienced in the mirror of this other person. Your love and joy still live inside you. The only thing we lose when we let go is potential future pleasure, but this never existed. It was never ours to lose.<br />
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It is all there.<br />
All our loss, sorrow, shame, anger and regret.<br />
All our healing, growth, joy, pleasure and fun.<br />
Everything that's ever happened to us is written on bones and tucked between muscle fibers.<br />
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If we heal, it's because we've tilled and fertilized the soil, creating a nourishing loam for new life to grow. We commit to the work with courage and keep at it.<br />
If we are angry, it's because the anger lives in us. Learn to be with it. Let it teach you something important about the state of your heart.<br />
If we are happy, it's because the happiness lives in us, too. We choose it everyday.<br />
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You can choose to give this power and responsibility away, to anchor your wellness in another human being, but this is pure folly. As soon as they go- and we all go, in time- then what? The end result of operating under the illusion that someone else is the master of our destinies is deep dependency and instability. If we wish to be truly independent and free, we have to learn to, as Zen Master Osho <a href="http://kathryn.mnsi.net/major/major.html#9-Aloneness">suggests</a>, "develop within ourselves the capacity to make our way through the darkness without any companions, maps or guide."<br />
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Our internal environment is our holy domain.<br />
We are the kings and queens of our experience.<br />
The things we most need are already alive inside us.<br />
There is nothing missing.<br />
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xoxoKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-33909199650614894502017-03-28T06:17:00.000-07:002017-04-26T13:24:41.185-07:00Greed and Gluttony: Failing at Brahmacharya and Aparigraha<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQxXq4LKBJpzTMpcWuV6ekFosPn2PwDUxhm2TUqublPACp5D2dV_thyphenhyphencK0_ifidFwzCRfw_FEjfDVsOibnhCHHNJodYAhvb_BvP2gYLUy4MmrDBihl_VhnBwD9v24DeH1gYKMdn3T1470/s1600/17555157_10102309574286528_1161823062_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQxXq4LKBJpzTMpcWuV6ekFosPn2PwDUxhm2TUqublPACp5D2dV_thyphenhyphencK0_ifidFwzCRfw_FEjfDVsOibnhCHHNJodYAhvb_BvP2gYLUy4MmrDBihl_VhnBwD9v24DeH1gYKMdn3T1470/s320/17555157_10102309574286528_1161823062_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
As an adolescent person beginning to look more deeply into the workings of things, I viscerally remember the depression I felt upon first encountering the <a href="http://www.pbs.org/edens/thailand/buddhism.htm">Four Noble Truths</a>. The world is filled with suffering and the only path to alleviate suffering is non-attachment? It felt so harsh and lonely to me, this idea of not being attached to anything and the assumption that this meant you couldn't love anyone. In my mind, the two were one in the same; the love I felt for my family was woven together with a desire that I would never be without them.<br />
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There's an old Taoist story concerning a farmer whose horse runs away one day. His neighbors express their sympathy and the farmer says, "We'll see." When the horse returns with more horses in tow, the neighbors are overjoyed for him. Once again he replies, "We'll see." The farmer's son takes one of the horses out for a ride, is bucked and breaks his leg. The neighbors are so sorry about this misfortune, but the farmer is unmoved: "We'll see." Soon the army comes around, conscripting young men for a war. Because of the son's broken leg, he is overlooked and left behind. The neighbors are again so happy for the farmer, but his reply is unchanged; "We'll see."<br />
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You may have noticed that what once brought you joy has the ability to transform into a source of suffering. It is near impossible to accurately discern which occurrences are "good" and "bad" because of the ever shifting nature of reality. Everything is changing, one thing turning over into another. It is also the case that frequently the joy has not <i>become</i> suffering. The joy simply becomes a thing that Was, rather than a thing that Is, and it is our clinging to it that causes us pain.<br />
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Many years ago, I became heavily attached to a man who brought me a lot of pleasure. I did not understand that he was not to be a deep well for me, but a happy hour shot of well tequila. What he had to offer was real and fun, but was limited to the moment, and I had yet to learn that the world is generous and abundant. Scarcity mentality combined with a strong predilection for feeling gooood trapped me in an illusion that he was the only source. It HAD to be him and if not him, surely I would never experience anything better. This makes for desperation and grasping, which ain't cute, kids.<br />
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It's not illogical to want to keep having fun when you're having fun. If you are able to connect well with someone, which is often half the battle in human relating, it makes sense that you would want to grow and maintain the connection. However, we have to be real about what's actually available. If you are at a restaurant that doesn't offer refills for your drink, what are you going to do? Scream at the server? Demand a manager? Write a nasty Yelp review? Perhaps, instead of causing so much strife, you could just enjoy the drink you had and if you're still thirsty, order something else.<br />
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There's a limit and lifespan to all things; bodies, relationships and pints of fancy vegan ice cream. I can't tell you how many times I've mourned something before it's even over, still in a place and already half-not-there. It's a way to inoculate oneself against the pain of loss, but it's also a terrible joy robber. My time with my old lover could've been a pure joy, still looked back upon with total fondness, if I had just welcomed it warmly and bid farewell with gratitude when it was over. I've managed this since then and it's a much healthier way to relate to people and moments. Open handed. Welcome, thank you, good bye!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilcTRfon-7gGXlqQjq83pDRfg8G1Tm_KDGpO0vlredEITwHrIOWnILMGq-DOArcYmCDQ7kPkR5ygZIqmAKtvyB2aP3Dskn1KpsYdrAWmKz7YteVP_ToIQkTiqfsi6zp_7pYJmZA6VR95w/s1600/17554908_10102309571327458_1732093328_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilcTRfon-7gGXlqQjq83pDRfg8G1Tm_KDGpO0vlredEITwHrIOWnILMGq-DOArcYmCDQ7kPkR5ygZIqmAKtvyB2aP3Dskn1KpsYdrAWmKz7YteVP_ToIQkTiqfsi6zp_7pYJmZA6VR95w/s320/17554908_10102309571327458_1732093328_n.jpg" width="226" /></a>It's also really fucking hard sometimes. Holy shit it is hard to gracefully embrace the reality of life when the reality is the absence of something that brought you so much happiness. I'll have strong words for the next person who assails me with the gross platitude <a href="http://thoughtcatalog.com/ari-eastman/2014/04/why-i-hate-the-phrase-dont-cry-because-its-over-smile-because-it-happened/">Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because It Happened</a>(!!!) Seeing just how gluttonous and greedy you are capable of being can also be uncomfortable. I have stood outside myself watching myself, marveling at the sort of animal I have in me; unapologetically self-serving, insatiable, demanding and ungrateful. It does not feel like who I am, and is certainly not who I want to be. Yet I've found myself sending a fifth shrill text in a row, trying to get a bucket of water out of a well that's long run dry. Trying to manipulate reality to meet my needs. Suffering because of my attachment to what Was.<br />
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Zen Master Osho taught that when we cling to memories, we turn our back on the innumerable blessings available in the here and now. It is one thing to day dream a bit about the past, and another thing entirely to refuse to participate in the present because you're so sure that it will never get any better than what was. How will we know unless we try? Letting Go is an act of faith that the world is indeed generous and abundant, that the end of one joy is not the End of All Joy. This pain will become another thing which feels good and that'll become something else until we die and become the source of someone else's suffering in their missing of us. This is the way of things.<br />
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The adult self is learning that while attachment and love are not mutually exclusive, they are also not the same. One can be very attached to something that they don't actually love, and love something deeply that they are able to let go gracefully when the time comes. A high degree of attachment does not denote a superior sort of love. This is an ego trap. If you can't stop thinking about someone and/or feel that you can't live without them, this is unhealthy and bound for pain. In fact, the only way for something you love to never become a source of suffering is to remain unattached to it.<br />
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This is a pretty idea. I would love to be able to love this way; without need or grasping. Pure, free and perfect love. This is a tall, challenging order. There's a greedy, gluttonous sort of animal inside me who is slow to tame. Life will continue to present opportunities to practice this in the form of pleasures transformed into pain. Perhaps, someday, I'll be a very good yogi and master the <a href="https://kripalu.org/resources/yoga-s-ethical-guide-living-yamas-and-niyamas">yamas</a>; brahmacharya (non-excess) and aparigraha (non-greed). Perhaps I'll be able to smile because it happened, to love with open hands and non-attachment. Until then, I will be an evolving human doing her best and that's okay.<br />
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My love isn't perfect but it is <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.co.id/2017/03/the-fiery-alchemical-force-of-love.html">strong and sweet</a>.<br />
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May we be able to let what comes, comes, and what goes, goes,<br />
with equanimity, grace and gratitude.<br />
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xoxoKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-7787704189367628162017-03-06T20:07:00.000-08:002017-03-06T20:07:07.218-08:00The Fiery, Alchemical Force of Love<div>
"Just like our organs, our anger is part of us. When we are angry, we have to go back to ourselves and take good care of our anger. We cannot say, 'Go away, anger, I don’t want you.' When you have a stomachache, you don’t say, 'I don’t want you stomach, go away.' No, you take care of it. In the same way, we have to embrace and take good care of our anger."</div>
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—Thich Nhat Hanh</div>
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When I was in yoga teacher training, I let all my hair grow. For half a year, I didn't shave or cut any of it off. It was in part a respectful nod to the Sikh tradition of not cutting any hairs on the body, and part an experiment in self-love. Having been raised in a culture which shamed the presence of hair on certain parts of my body, could I let that hair be there and still feel happy and comfortable in my skin?</div>
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Since then, I have vacillated between shaving regularly and going long periods of time without. With the ebb and flow of my body hair has grown a sense of almost militant pride in who I am and this logical conclusion: I was born in a female body and this hair grows out of my female body, so how is it unfeminine? How can that which occurs naturally be unnatural?</div>
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Diving beneath skin deep, we can apply this same logic to the whole of our beings. We must lovingly care for every part of who we are, for what we recoil from in ourselves we will not be able to embrace in others. What we reject in ourselves will not leave. Repression forces our anger, pain, shame and brutality into the darkness, where it will remain until we muster the courage to face it. It will not be silent and inert; it seeps out and controls our behavior from the underground. These repressions are a festering danger.</div>
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Recently, I had a challenging relationship with a coworker. They were often harsh and demanding, rigid and determined to be right, no matter the cost. Experience has taught that most times we can either be happy or right, but not both. I would rather be happy than right, but sometimes had to strongly stand for myself in the face of attacks to my character. After a few exchanged blows and displays of my might, my coworker began to respect me more and it became easier to work with them.</div>
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It also became apparent overtime that they were operating from a place of fear, exhaustion and scarcity. They badly needed help but didn't feel comfortable surrendering any control to anyone else- they had been burned before, they cannot rely on anyone but themselves. With an equal mix of firmness and thoughtful care, I began to take control of what I could to ease their burden. I encouraged them to take time off to play, to take care of themselves. I consistently, excellently showed up and held the weight down, and they were able to soften and relax a bit. Through the alchemical force of my fierce love, I was able to transform the lead of our relating to gold.</div>
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<b>Love is an alchemical force that turns lead to gold.</b></div>
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Love is the only force on this planet that can coax our anger, pain, shame and brutality out into the light. If we are to heal ourselves and others, we have to step into a place of softness and allowing. We must make friends with every part of ourselves, especially the parts that are hard to face. It is the difficult to love feelings and the difficult to love people that need a strong, steady embrace most of all. We can never be truly free until we are able to welcome anything that arises with gentleness and curiosity. "Hello! Welcome! What have you come to teach me?"</div>
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The first yama (code of right living) in the Yoga Sutras is ahimsa, to do no harm. While it's my sincere desire that all living things would feel totally loved in my presence, there should be limits to what one is willing to accept. As some yogis cheekily state, "Do no harm but take no shit." Love is often mistaken as a weak thing, but if you've ever witnessed a parent defend their child, you know how ferocious love can be. </div>
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Love can be very soft and sweet, but it can also manifest as a fiery roar. It was a ferocious self-love that defended me against my coworker, that empowered me to stand strongly for myself and be unwilling to let another do harm to me. It was a fierce love that thoughtfully supported that coworker in their well being, while also holding them accountable for their maladaptive behavior. It is my desire that I will do no harm, but best believe that I will also take no shit. It's a fine line worth testing and a balance worth perfecting. </div>
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May we cultivate an inner spaciousness that allows for both:</div>
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Embracing, allowing, softening, gentleness AND</div>
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Healthy boundaries, firmness, accountability</div>
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May our love be both sweet and fierce.</div>
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May we do no harm,</div>
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May all beings feel loved in our presences,</div>
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But may we also take no shit.</div>
Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-41813754583741298202017-01-18T19:29:00.001-08:002017-01-18T19:29:55.575-08:00You Are Already Rich and Blessed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTH5iXd8uWuvtGEpP1VZhNFLqn8X-TG3yK2MfLCz5kVQSiaDEqvhdAU7z-UjB85jQKyOJBFIMF6U-DOugMUyIrPb_zcBKi1xEfOy4hy9_a3SA_q2RaQX2M7gq84im5y27mP0Vs56o4SKM/s1600/15991334_10102201054211628_287737143_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTH5iXd8uWuvtGEpP1VZhNFLqn8X-TG3yK2MfLCz5kVQSiaDEqvhdAU7z-UjB85jQKyOJBFIMF6U-DOugMUyIrPb_zcBKi1xEfOy4hy9_a3SA_q2RaQX2M7gq84im5y27mP0Vs56o4SKM/s320/15991334_10102201054211628_287737143_o.jpg" width="320" /></a>If you're reading this, it's likely that you own some sort of electronic device- a computer, a smartphone. It's also likely that you have a home to live in with functional electrical outlets that allow you to charge those devices, light switches to flip to illuminate the darkness, clean water that flows endless into cups, bathtubs, tea kettles.</div>
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These things are such an easy, natural part of life in many places that we tend to think of them as a given. We know that there are places in the world, sometimes very nearby, where people do not live with such ease. They don't know where their next meal will come from, or have a safe home or clean water. For a moment we may be #grateful for what we have, conscious of the grace that holds our lives together. Following hot on the heels of gratitude, though, is the ever-creeping, gaping gnaw of awareness of What's Not. We push aside our blessings and look only at what we don't have, what we have not achieved.<br />
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Dissatisfaction is a powerful creative force. It has inspired incredible innovation and progress in science, art, technology and human rights. There are some things that we should certainly not accept. But what if we are also refusing to accept a deep sense of comfort having our basic needs easily met? How much joy are we missing out on by refusing to acknowledge and celebrate What Is already?<br />
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This quote from Jack Gilbert is a favorite of mine that speaks to this:<br />
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<b>"We must risk delight! We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world."</b></div>
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Lately it has been effortless for me to feel held and nurtured by the simple things that come easily. I'm living <br />
on three acres of verdant Hawaiian jungle overlooking the Pacific. Everyday we pick and eat what the land has grown; avocados and mac nuts, very free range eggs, lilikoi, pomelos, tangerines, bananas and papayas. We make juice and marmalade and bread. We churn our own ice cream. We Ooh and Ahh over one gorgeous sunset after another. We hike down to the bay and swim with dolphins. It is what some might call "an embarrassment of riches." There is such an abundance of goodness that we literally can't consume it all (seriously, we have hundreds of pounds of citrus).<br />
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Yes, it is easy for me to sit here in the outdoor kitchen with a nice breeze and feel calm, nourished, content. All my needs are met. The coffee is strong. The avocado toast is daily. There is good yoga nearby. Wintertime and the living is easy. There is very little struggle and there are no bad days.<br />
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This is not like life in other times and spaces, I know. I usually live in New York, where we wear our struggle like a badge of honor. We may bitch and moan about the subway or the weather, but at the end of the day we are so proud to be able to make it there. We are strong, savvy and ambitious. We strive for the next greatest thing.<br />
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The world is so loud, busy and competitive that it's possible to overlook What Is and focus only on What's Not. What I've discovered, though, is that this leads to a perpetual mental state of Lack. What I have, who I am and what I do are never enough. Striving leads to strain. I feel anxious, unhappy, unsupported.<br />
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However, this isn't my reality. Even in "normal life" in New York, there are still things big and small that go right everyday. I am supported in ways that I may never know by people I will likely never meet. I don't have an unlimited free supply of tangerines and avocados, but I can buy them at Whole Foods and that's okay, too. It's not as effortless, but New York has perks that this rural jungle town does not, like functional public transit and sushi delivery.<br />
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Every time and space has its drawbacks, but there are also gift and opportunity on offer in every moment. I remain present to this by keeping a daily record of gratitude. It's a running list of everything fun, joyful and pleasurable that happens in my life that I find useful to reference. When times are lean, I am reminded how rich and blessed I already am. When times are lush, it serves to stack my joy exponentially. I smile and giggle at my rabid fondness for Mexican food, long walks, dogs and travel. I recall these moments of delight that I would otherwise forget and my life is made better for it in ways I can't full describe. It's a deeply nourishing, enriching practice that I highly recommend.<br />
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Let's start right now. Take a moment to write out (by hand, on paper...it works better that way) at least three things for which you are grateful. You can start with the "givens" if you like, then expand out to other areas.<br />
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But maybe you stop at the basic and obvious. Maybe you walk into the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of clean water and savor it. Maybe, for a moment, you feel totally supported and cared for by the ease with which you are able to access something so vital.<br />
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Never be satisfied with intolerable conditions. Fight oppression in all its forms. Fight for the rise of all bodies. But also be comforted and delighted by everything that is basic and easy.<br />
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What you have and who you are are already enough.<br />
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May your 2017 continue to be blessed abundantly!<br />
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xoxox<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOiJ4JcMYbPKMT1pDUonwZVxN6u7ZXPNIoFhHoipg39gCg8Rid4lbm-l-BsQx426BOQHCt5Oz8GaqO3IuoQdcuvosr3E3hQgy9sJuGaTk55s2EXADQGq6rPAtvCpsLx1u-enT9s5kx8VI/s1600/16009755_10102201057415208_825052195_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOiJ4JcMYbPKMT1pDUonwZVxN6u7ZXPNIoFhHoipg39gCg8Rid4lbm-l-BsQx426BOQHCt5Oz8GaqO3IuoQdcuvosr3E3hQgy9sJuGaTk55s2EXADQGq6rPAtvCpsLx1u-enT9s5kx8VI/s400/16009755_10102201057415208_825052195_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-13618979267193564132016-12-06T19:54:00.000-08:002016-12-08T08:25:49.189-08:00Lines of Credit and Debt Collection<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnwsH_YuJ8kI6MNt1owzT99Q61DVUM8_7Bn8v2es3ReilrYTWQ4Y2K1iTLV7dLotQnFzrgaJSsCC9yMhVT6Swam7vsSsmKnqTfN5yS_eMWfLuTL-vOWAL366He5X8X-CQYfLMa6KLlkVc/s1600/15409707_10102130556210188_249928519_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnwsH_YuJ8kI6MNt1owzT99Q61DVUM8_7Bn8v2es3ReilrYTWQ4Y2K1iTLV7dLotQnFzrgaJSsCC9yMhVT6Swam7vsSsmKnqTfN5yS_eMWfLuTL-vOWAL366He5X8X-CQYfLMa6KLlkVc/s320/15409707_10102130556210188_249928519_o.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
He wasn't supposed to be there. He was supposed to be in India, but his visa was denied, and so there we were in a bar in Bangkok listening to Beatles covers. So much hurt had come up between us, but the last time we'd connected it was sweet, life-giving, even. How wonderfully weird and novel to see him half a world away from our homes.<br />
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The music was loud and he sat close, telling me stories and catching up. His friend suggested that we all go play pool. My friends were tired and wanted to go back to the hotel. They got in a tuk tuk. I would catch up with them later. Just as they were out of sight, he turned to me and asked, suddenly so irritated, why I hadn't left with them? I should've left with them. But wait...what? Aware of my unresolved feelings for him but still entirely guileless, I stammered that I thought we were going to play pool...? We were not, he said, as if all this was obvious and I was that willfully obtuse. We are fighting on the street of a foreign city half a world away from our homes. I am alone in a tuk tuk, sobbing, embarrassed and confused.</div>
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A month or so passes before I reach out to him. I am in Cambodia and have decided to forgive everyone of everything ever. I know him better than this. He is not cruel. He would not <a href="https://norasamaran.com/2016/06/28/on-gaslighting/">gaslight</a> me. Surely, surely, something else must've happened. I reach out with equanimity, grace, love. I extend a line of credit to an account that is already severely overdrawn. I get no response.</div>
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Weeks later I am on Bali. It is Nyepi, the new year, a day of silent prayer, meditation, atonement. Again I reach out. I apologize for anything I might've done wrong. </div>
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Weeks later, I am back in the states and apologize again, this time remind him that we have mutual friends, we will see each other again. We have to work this out. </div>
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It will be months until I see him, and only because those friends are in town. </div>
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It will be months until I see him, and hear whispers about his relationship with cocaine. </div>
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It will be months until I see him, and finally understand his behavior in context.</div>
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But I will still reach out, twice more. Once, I offer my friendship for healthy things, for walks with my dog and meditation class. Once, I check to see if, perhaps, we're ready for some heart mending. I will get no response. He does not want to mend.</div>
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In 2013, I began developing a <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2013/09/deposits-and-withdrawals.html">relationship principle </a>that one might use to assess the relative health of their relating. Are you and the person you're in relationship with both willing contributors to the relating? Do you both, more often than not, make more deposits into than withdrawals from your joint emotional back account? Are you both, more often than not, able to meet each other's <a href="https://norasamaran.com/2016/07/21/for-men-who-desperately-need-autonomy-make-it-dont-take-it/">normal, human need for healthy attachment</a>? </div>
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Yes? Super! No? Ruhoh...</div>
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Had I followed my own principle, I would have long ago cut off the guy in the story. He had, on more than one occasion, actually told me that "All I can offer you is tonight." Come ooonnnnn. Seriously? Let's tune into some Maya Angelou real talk: </div>
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<b>"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." </b></div>
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He literally told me that he was not a sound investment for anything but the short term, and I offered him high value, long term loans. I extended him one line of credit after another, hoping that he would experience a radical shift and show up at the Bank of My Heart with deposits enough to fill our account, cover overdraft fees, shore it all up. I hounded him for awhile, full of righteous anger about what I was owed. I tried to collect on the debt. </div>
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As Sallie Mae will eventually have to do for the whole Millennial generation, I will have to write this debt off as a loss. He does not want to mend. If he ever did, I'd be happy to do that work with him, but I have to assume that he will never make this right. He will never humble himself on the altar of I'm Sorry for leaving me alone on the street in Bangkok. I have nothing left to give; no apologies or equanimity or righteous demands, and certainly no credit.</div>
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I am not a debt collector. </div>
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I am an artist. </div>
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I am here to create more beauty.</div>
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I am here to tell the truth.</div>
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Stop extending lines of credit to accounts that are already overdrawn.</div>
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Find a better place to invest your love.</div>
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It's precious.</div>
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And so are you.</div>
Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-52818166979482813172016-11-17T14:56:00.002-08:002016-11-17T15:18:01.243-08:00Finding Some Fucks To Give: A Primer on Empathy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3rMJAlGNPTMEzrWQAXCGEix0RaFfv3QprhWy7gv11RfaQQ8A2jNshZbSJdFTLHE7_57EI-Qz3OfSDgSIlz5wEdjrKsoES8xq77f06PjBXyfcLC3tWQC558Y9Za0_PIgljyt9cVR_vTL4/s1600/4db77_ORIG-look_at_all_the_fucks_i_give.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3rMJAlGNPTMEzrWQAXCGEix0RaFfv3QprhWy7gv11RfaQQ8A2jNshZbSJdFTLHE7_57EI-Qz3OfSDgSIlz5wEdjrKsoES8xq77f06PjBXyfcLC3tWQC558Y9Za0_PIgljyt9cVR_vTL4/s1600/4db77_ORIG-look_at_all_the_fucks_i_give.jpg" /></a></div>
This piece began a while ago when some white folks hit Twitter to complain that the Netflix production of Luke Cage is racist because it doesn't feature enough white people for their liking. Never mind that entertainment has all but ignored people of color, going so far as to utilize white actors to represent characters meant to be people of color (I'm looking at you...Ghost in the Shell/Aloha/Doctor Strange/Gods of Egypt/Argo/etc etc etc). Luke Cage is a story about a black hero rising up out of a black community. Harlem is gentrifying, but it's still a black neighborhood. When I lived in Harlem, I was the only white person I ever saw on my block. Luke Cage accurately represents the Harlem I know.<br />
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This critical response, and so much of what is happening right now, highlights the need for us to pay respectful attention to stories that are unlike our own, of which we have no part. If one is open, you can learn from these stories and enjoy the wider perspective that they may afford you. After all, it is impossible to take in everything that this life has to offer. Engaging with other people's experiences gives us the opportunity to understand something outside our personal universe. This is a form of empathy and an expression of humility. I will never know what it's like to live in another body, and to be born in another time and place, but I can take interest in other people's narratives. I can learn.<br />
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On the flip side are those who must constantly have everything around them mirror and affirm their existence. Their identity is wrapped up in being the center of the dominant narrative. They are the leads. They are the heroes. Anything presented outside of that storyline feels like a threat. They have been in full possession of the limelight for always, and are unwilling to give even an inch so that someone else's story may be brought forth. They don't care if this dominance means the erasure of other worthy stories from the pages of history. Their personal experience is Universal Truth. Anything outside of this is Unknown Other, and Other is always wrong. Unknown is terrifying, and fear is alchemized into anger.<br />
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This anger is sometimes, horrifically, alchemized into violent action. Marginalized groups have always faced threats to their well being, but those threats are reaching a new fever pitch. As was the case before, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, there are some who continue to insist that everything is fine. They say we live in a post racial society, they site black on black crime rates and statistics about false rape accusations. They shriek that #ALLLIVESMATTER, ask others to "Give him a chance!" and call others sore losers for protesting the rise to power of a dangerous demagogue. Some well meaning folks plead with everyone to "OMG just like love everyone! Like don't hate you guys!!! Keep it positive!!!!!" all the while continuing to ignore the voices of those whom are in real, actual danger...still.<br />
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Absolutely nothing is accomplished by hiding your head in the sand and refusing to humble yourself before real life experiences which you don't share or understand. This may overwhelm you. You may suddenly find yourself plagued with guilt and the knowing that at best, you've been a silent witness to oppression, and at worst, you've been an active participant. You may be so overwhelmed that instead of asking how you can help and beginning it, you decide to disengage. You cannot face the enormity of this. It's too hard and too scary. It's a confrontation of your identity as a person who is sooo totally not racist. It means owning up to your own biases, your own subtle sense of superiority, all the parts of yourself of which you are not proud. It means facing your own shame, which is a brutal beast. Instead of employing courage for this difficult transformative work, you choose to deflect. "They're being dramatic. Everything is fine." "I'm an optimist. Let's just see what happens."<br />
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Meanwhile, black and brown bodies, lady bodies, trans bodies, Muslim bodies, queer bodies continue to be the target of a swell of harassment and aggression. You don't have to believe in any of this for it to be true. You can pretend that it's liberal media hype, but we know different. The bodies of people I know and love have already bore this brutality, before and after the election. We have tried to let you in on this narrative. You couldn't hear it. Hearing it meant being cracked open, changed, pushed to action, and the discomfort was too great.<br />
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We must find some fucks to give one another. We must take interest in stories that are completely unlike our own. We must give them space and time, respect and credence. People everywhere are hurting, desperate for change. There is a sickness among us and it is the distancing of ourselves from those unlike us, as if we were made of different materials, as if we all don't just want to live well. People need to able to earn a living to support their families. People need to be able to practice their faith, or love who they love without fear of violence. Not everyone will look like you, or live the same way as you, but they are still worthy of every liberty and protection on offer. There should be no second class citizens here.<br />
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Ladies and gentlemen, I have a dream that one day soon we will reach out across party lines for the sake of our shared humanity. I have a dream that we will soften and humble ourselves before an unfamiliar story, let it change us, let it be a call to action for the dignity and well being of another. I have a dream that we will unite over an insistence that each body in this country will have the benefit of clean food and water, healthcare, shelter, a good education, and honest work. I have a dream that we will muster the courage to give some fucks about people we may never meet who may be very different from us.<br />
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Unanswered needs are still needed. Unattended suffering gnaws away. Those who are desperate remain desperate until something is done to help them. Name calling and blame placing doesn't feed a hungry belly. It's time to get practical. It's time to ask the people what it is they need to thrive and figure out how to make it possible. There is a way through every block. We can do this.<br />
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How are you hurting? How can I help?<br />
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All bodies rise, together.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-42008081866504183812016-11-01T09:51:00.000-07:002016-11-01T09:51:50.235-07:00The Ahh Eww That Lives In YouOver the summer I went out to see some live music. The performer was talented, even a bit over qualified for the small venue in which he played. He had solid showmanship, quipping between songs and telling little stories. Many of his stories centered around women that had done him wrong. While I, too, am guilty of using romance as fodder for writing, I also know this talented performer and his romantic life over a period of years. One night a girlfriend of his did too many drugs and I had to babysit her while she told me her numerous stories about him. Wrong doing is often a two way street. I see you, broseph.<br />
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A long time ago my mama taught me something valuable about personal responsibility: If you have similar problems with a variety of people, YOU are the common denominator in every situation. It's not them, darling. It's you.<br />
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One particularly heady autumn evening years ago, my friend Rebecca and I met a handsome stranger on the streets of San Francisco. I was immediately attracted to him, and would only later realize that he's a very charming, yes, very handsome, yes, very alcoholic man. They all are. If I had a "type" it would be emotionally stunted and addicted. During one of my stints in therapy, I cried about how incredibly pitiful I feel not being able to trust myself. Even after the depth of heart work I've done, I continue to experience this uncanny ability to find the most beautiful, broken man in the room. Just as recently as a month ago, amidst a big crowd, I zeroed in on a tall drink of architect who is predictably, yes, an alcoholic. The difference this time is that I recognized the red flags and didn't pursue the impulse. Progress!<br />
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This is a worthwhile consideration when one desires to change their experience of life. If you are fed up with the way things are, you have to be honest about what part you've played in making them so. There may be factors outside your control, but as the saying goes, we pray for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. We cannot change the circumstances of our birth, or what happened to us in the past, but we get to decide how we are affected by that going forward. Will we continue to let our wounding <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2016/06/the-lies-we-believe-or-shit-colored.html">color how we see ourselves</a> and the world around us? Or will we do the difficult, courageous work of reshaping our sense of self?<br />
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This can be quite the undertaking because the wounds we unearth in the excavation are the source of so much pain, shame, anger, sadness, fear. These are not easy feelings to sit with. Whether we compassionately confront them or not, they continue to live in our bodies; they are fugitives being harbored in between muscle fibers and folds of grey matter. They can continue to influence our behavior from the darkness or not. It's up to us.<br />
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You can be an <a href="https://norasamaran.com/2016/07/21/for-men-who-desperately-need-autonomy-make-it-dont-take-it/">emotionally unavailable man</a>, confused by and fearful of the natural need in others for healthy attachment. When this need arises in a romantic partner, you can slur her as needy or, if you withhold love long enough, <a href="http://therumpus.net/2010/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-41-like-an-iron-bell/">crazy</a>. You can ache with loneliness, because despite not <a href="https://norasamaran.com/2016/02/11/the-opposite-of-rape-culture-is-nurturance-culture-2/">understanding *how* to nurture others</a>, you retain the need for nurture. You're only human.<br />
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You can spin through a series of unfulfilling, disheartening relationships which serve to reinforce how unworthy you are of love. You can pursue the same archetype of person over and over, unwilling to admit that this is but the tip of the ice burg. Deep beneath the surface lies the origin story of your pain. But who would you be without it? Deconstructing this fundamental piece of your identity is mind melting. You can grasp onto your pain like a piece of broken glass; it will make you bleed but you won't have to suffer the tiny death of change.<br />
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You can resign yourself to any manner of cyclical unhappiness, not getting what you need because you secretly can't believe that happiness is *for* you. Because that's what this boils down to, isn't it? Whether we cannot give good love, or have trouble receiving it, it's a question of worthiness. We will be drawn to what is familiar, to what reinforces our version of reality, even if that is hurtful to ourselves or others.<br />
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The big jewel in meditation is the cultivation of curiosity and compassion for our more challenging feelings. It took me a long time to get this component. I became adept at acknowledging and naming feelings, even digging to their roots, but I couldn't love them. I could not make them welcome. They remained fugitives in my body which I tried to evict with anger and frustration. There is a lot of wisdom and information attached to our feelings. Anger, fear, sadness and shame all have much to teach us about how we're hurt and how we have to heal. They can strengthen and empower us by helping us learn how to move forward. Conversely, they can drain us if we continue to funnel energy their way in our resistance. What you resist, persists. The way forward will always be softness and surrender.<br />
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This begins by recognizing patterns, and understanding that no matter what other elements are present, we're the consistent variable in every situation we enter. If every woman you date is crazy or every man you date is an addict, consider that these are all unique individuals. They may have things in common, but the one and only thing they *all* definitely have in common is you. Let that sink in for a moment.<br />
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We are the Captains of our own joy...or not. Without understanding and taking responsibility for what lurks around your heart, you may find that some aspects of life consistently disappoint. Watch for patterns. When charged, powerful feelings arise, don't push away. Make them welcome. Honor their presence by asking what it is they have to teach. They may feel like poison, the instinctual response being to purge them. However, with courage and patience, we slowly dissolve them and find that at the heart of the poison is the antidote for it. This is <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2016/08/all-that-we-owe-is-our-joy.html">productive suffering</a>.<br />
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Your pain can poison you, or it can heal you and set you free. Love it up so it can love you back.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-64318702773667665532016-10-11T17:51:00.001-07:002016-10-11T17:51:35.020-07:00I'm Queer, Y'all.<h2 style="text-align: center;">
Happy National Coming Out Day!</h2>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHGIKq8MNUceu3Xqt-nv7OggP_7qpBy-SHf3-t3Zmmy-7ITA-OF8wawRuGQrLkvOJpKE1vhnAQHPnSqc619j4ZtAVkh-6WjzWr-N7HS8Pj4RgTOCpuUi25shBd5yODd3gjnnxFZDn0syA/s1600/14124499_10101980025045848_8058732571752783928_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHGIKq8MNUceu3Xqt-nv7OggP_7qpBy-SHf3-t3Zmmy-7ITA-OF8wawRuGQrLkvOJpKE1vhnAQHPnSqc619j4ZtAVkh-6WjzWr-N7HS8Pj4RgTOCpuUi25shBd5yODd3gjnnxFZDn0syA/s320/14124499_10101980025045848_8058732571752783928_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This will undoubtedly be a surprise to some, seeing as how I've never dated women. It's easy to fly under the radar being femme, and considering that "bi-sexuals" don't get much support from either side, not particularly appealing to make it public. However, it's become very important to make friends with every part of myself. Choosing not to come out is a subtle rejection of the part of me that is gay and always has been. Remaining quiet about this has also continued to afford me hetero privilege which I feel increasingly uncomfortable receiving.<br />
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So today in front of the Creator who Loves me as I am, and the Internet, I stand with my community as a proud Queer woman. I love the whole of who I am, and I love the whole of who you are, too.<br />
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xoxoKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4916968865350673335.post-84720698416251486932016-08-14T18:18:00.001-07:002018-08-11T19:28:43.900-07:00All That We Owe is Our Joy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I want to live a life of joy with you.<br />
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It's all I can think about these days. It's summer in New York and I live in the cutest, most neighborhoody neighborhood in Brooklyn with the cutest dog and the best flatmate, and beautiful light that daily pours through my high up treehouse windows. I've never been quite this happy or healthy. Suddenly, having sort of unexpectedly arrived here, nothing else matters but continuing to live this well.<br />
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I want to live a life of joy with you.<br />
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Recently I had the pleasure of being interviewed by my dear friend <a href="http://laurenmariefleming.com/">Lauren Marie Fleming</a>, author and revolutionary in the art of decadence and #bawdylove. She's working on her second season of podcasts and we talked about following our bliss.<br />
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A yoga teacher at some point may have told you to Follow Your Bliss, and even if you're not particularly salty or jaded, you may have wondered exactly how one accomplishes this. Where is My Bliss going? Will it leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow? As with many meant-to-be-inspiring statements issued by yoga teachers with breathy zen, I honestly find this directive nauseating. First, because it doesn't really *mean* anything all on its own. Without substantive discussion, it's grossly trite. Second, because it's too prone to leading people to the misconception that spiritual practice is meant to be a constant state of nirvana. Anyone who's "doing the work" can tell you that that is so often so far from the truth.<br />
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The truth is, if you use your spiritual practice to mask, suppress or otherwise ignore your pain, you're partaking in <a href="http://robertmasters.com/writings/spiritual-bypassing/">spiritual bypassing</a>. You may have stopped drowning yourself in liquor or snorting cocaine up your nose, but "getting saved" or going to yoga everyday doesn't mean you are somehow magically healed of the wounds that lead you to use in the first place. Modern neuroscience has taught us that we can change and heal our brains, but repatterning our thinking takes time and discipline. Even antidepressants can only take us so far. There is no substitute for sitting still as you let your pain out of the dark and ask it how you can help. It needs room to breathe and if you ignore it, it will rot you from the inside out.<br />
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Following Your Bliss may not always feel blissful. It may mean having to cut off people who take life from you, quitting jobs or habits, and leaving behind all manner of comfort and familiarity. Those who have come to know you in a specific way may resist. You may lose quite a bit in the process of following your bliss. It might be very high stakes. Those who feel they cannot follow their own bliss may become jealous and angry as they watch you shine brighter. If they cannot live better, neither can you. Your ascent will only serve to highlight how trapped they feel. In your bliss, you may suddenly feel like a stranger. In our world it seems as though struggle and dissatisfaction are expected, while joy and pleasure are somehow sinful and suspect. We trust our pain but not our joy. I blame the Christian idea that Jesus suffered and so should you. Bollocks. Let's consult the source: Galatians 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."</div>
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But what of those who we leave behind, still slaving in the salt mines of misery? If you have chosen to divest from your suffering, there will be people who cannot go where you're going. It's not because they aren't *allowed* but because they're not yet ready to suffer productively. When it comes to suffering, I'm with the Buddha; I do believe that human life presents inevitable suffering to varying degrees. Much depends on how we choose to respond to the stimuli of life, how much we resist or embrace. When we choose to unburden ourselves of the yoke of slavery, it's not that we don't suffer anymore, it's that we've decided to only suffer in ways which will ultimately lead to more freedom.<br />
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For example: it's an uncomfortable exercise to sit with my pain. I have suffered mightily in this excavation and rebuilding of my heart and mind. It's required courage of which I didn't even know I was capable. However, I am now living with the highest degree of joy I can recall. I have suffered, but as a result, I now suffer much less. This work has been productive.<br />
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Which is not to say that I'm immune to numbing. I don't drink a lot anymore, largely because I recognize my alcoholic leanings. However, I do scroll the internet in a zombie-like trance, which distances me from my pain, but also doesn't bring me much pleasure. That's the problem with emotional anesthesia; it's not localized. The loss of feeling in one place spreads. I might also achieve this with sex/relationships, shopping, food, or even, yes, seemingly healthy things like yoga and spirituality. Whatever I reach for when I recoil from my pain is symptomatic of and complicit to my avoidance. The path that ultimately leads to the alleviation of my pain is challenging, though, while so many quick fix distractions are easily available and socially acceptable. It's much easier to keep our pain tucked away than it is to address it...until it's not anymore. Everyone has a rock bottom to hit. It's just a matter of when.<br />
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When we do make a bid for our freedom (a.k.a. follow our bliss), there will be people who won't be able to come with us. As we do the work to transform our experience of life, the people we left behind may continue to suffer as we once did. Witnessing this may cause a sort of survivor's guilt because you got out. This is especially difficult if they agree with you; in their estimation, you abandoned them. Misery does love company and how dare you leave them to be miserable on their own. Perhaps by now you've learned the secret, though:<br />
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Avoidable suffering is slavery, and we are meant to be free.<br />
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When you gently, directly address your pain, you begin to cut the miserable chains that bind you. This is right and good. You're not a defecting traitor. You're breaking unhealthy cycles and patterning in order to pioneer a new way of living. Your individual choice radically alters the future. What caused hurt before will not be passed down in you. Your individual choice gives permission to others to do the same. Not everyone will warmly welcome this empowerment. Without their pain, they have no idea who they are. Their pain is a badge of honor, proof of what they've been through. <a href="http://theurbanlotus-sf.blogspot.com/2016/06/the-lies-we-believe-or-shit-colored.html">Questions of identity are never not weighty</a>. The resistance to them is understandable.<br />
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But you're ready.<br />
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You've suffered enough. You've hit your rock bottom, and are ready to break the cycle and claim your freedom. Those who find this confrontational believe that you owe them your continued allegiance in misery. They are mistaken. What the world needs from you is your joy. It is, in fact, all that you owe anyone. This following of your bliss will perhaps not always feel blissful, but it is the productive sort of suffering that will set you free...and you are made for freedom.<br />
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I want to live a life of joy with you. Please join me.<br />
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Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09612616410952823127noreply@blogger.com0