Commitment, or, The Sisterhood of the Nonexistent Pants
Growing things used to be a mechanism much like breathing. Maybe because I grew up with my hands in the dirt, eating all the strawberries as they ripened. Maybe because I'm a woman and it's our biological inclination. Whatever the case, all this changed as I barreled into gypsy life just before Thanksgiving four years ago. In my very first blog entry, the 26-year-old version of myself mused that "our reality often unfolds in ways we never would've imagined" and blessed be, how naively wise she was in that assessment.
In the intervening months and years, I have suffered mightily in my desire for things to be other than the way they are. Of course hindsight is 20/20, and I encourage the weathered, wizened version of myself to be kind to the woman who struggled through so much illusion to come into this current clarity. Deep in her discomfort, she rushed to "get it" and move forward, sensing the mystery of the journey, but taking well over a year to understand that what was called for was not creation, but total destruction. She didn't yet understand that everything she had brought into being before was built on a mostly shoddy foundation that would never support the rest of her life. She had to burn everything to the ground and begin again.
While sifting through the wreckage, I have been repeatedly greeted by the theme of commitment, or a lack there of. It's startling to suddenly be alive long enough to observe how patterns have shaped your life over a span of decades and realize that unless you do some massive rewiring, you're poised to live in your history and not your potential...or in my case, your POLEtential (see what I did there?).
Almost a year ago, I was introduced to the positively earth shatteringly transformative powers of pole- not just as a fitness apparatus but as a way to reshape my entire sense of self. While yoga and other dance forms paved the way, pole has done more in this short time to change my life than anything before. As my physical strength grew, so did my emotional strength, and I found myself suddenly able to go All In with tremendous faith, intuitively leaping into a brand new life in New York.
Since I first emerged from the subway at Columbus Circle 10 years ago, New York has always felt like home, but I never imagined I would or could live here. It felt too different from California...because it IS different. Living here required a sudden, massive upgrade to my body's electrical system to take it all in. More importantly, New York asked me for a commitment. "How badly do you want to be here? What are you willing to do to make your life happen? How hard will you hustle?"
After about a month, it became clear that the answer was, "Not very hard." Worn out from living out of my suitcase and struggling to get enough money together to find a permanent home, I fell into escapist patterning with fantasies of moving back to LA where at least it doesn't snow. It wasn't until I fell a little bit in love (okay, a lot in love) and had my whole experience of this city changed that I found the hunger for the hustle. I had the incredible fortune of being warmly adopted into the most wildly supportive, loving, talented, diverse, hilariously inappropriate, open minded and hearted collection of women that I have ever met. My New York pole community is the shit, yo. We take everyone in and never let them go- like the good kind of cult you really want to be a part of! My pole family helped me love New York (and myself) with an unbridled passion, and have given me the confidence to be in my power.
Everyday I give thanks that I get to be here and for the first time in years, I feel a readiness to be deeply creative once more. My pole community and I are dreaming big dreams to build a sustainable home for us to grow and glow together. After setting a new inner foundation upon which to build my life, I know that whatever comes out of me at this time will be from a place of clarity and balance. It will be strong and sturdy enough to support not just me, but those around me who also crave a safe space for exploration and belonging.
The next chapter of my life opens with me hanging upside down in my underwear, being showered in love and money. My reality is indeed unfolding in ways I never would've imagined.
It's so much better.