Saturday, June 15, 2013

Dealbreakers for My Beloved

There comes a time in every person's life (hopefully!) when settling for anything less than perfect becomes intolerable. That time has come for me. The following is a list of commandments for anyone who would seek out an intimate relationship with me. As I am a Rich and Royal Queen, I deserve to have all these needs met. Good luck!

The Commandments, in some sort of order

1) Thou shalt be Real
Because there's nothing less attractive than a liar. Tell the truth of who you are and do it now.

2) Thou shalt be Present
I'm looking for a partner, yo. You best strive to fully occupy the space of now.

3) Thou shalt love and serve God
My primary relationship is with the Divine. If yours is not, we won't have a whole lot to talk about.

4) Thou shalt enjoy time alone
Do you like the company you keep when you're solo? No? Ruhoh!

5) Thou shalt have an active spiritual life and practice
You should probably do some yoga and meditate. You should definitely not be a scientologist.

6) Thou shalt recognize, respect and appreciate the Totality of My Infinite Being
Aren't we all looking for someone who knows us completely and loves us unconditionally?

7) Thou shalt take care of your health (physical, mental, emotional, etc)
You're a grown ass man. I'm not your mom (ew). Feed yourself. Handle your life.

8) Thou shalt be humble enough to ask for help when needed
But of course, if you ask nicely, I'd love to bake you a potpie from scratch. Or return your books* to the library (*see Commandment 19) on my way to work. But a closed mouth doesn't get fed, honey. I'm only a little bit psychic. Ask.

9) Thou shalt have faith and confidence in yourself
The hotness of a man in a well cut suit is second only to the hotness of a man who is living the truth of his worth.

10) Thou shalt be a creative and confident lover
Can you keep up?

11) Thou shalt do work that you love and are passionate about
If you hate your work, I'm going to have to hear about it all the time. And you won't be living an inspired and  purposeful life, which would be a bummer for you. Live your potential.

12) Thou shalt have your own friends and spend time with them
How can I miss you if you won't go away?

13) Thou shalt be adventurous and open to new experiences
Especially with travel. This is very important.

14) Thou shalt love and be kind and respectful to children
It's not that I necessarily want children so much as I know I'm destined to have them. It's just a matter of when. It freaks me out, so I'm hoping to find someone who will more or less joyfully join me in attempting to raise healthy, functional humans.

15) Thou shalt have a fantastic sense of humor
It should be silly, a little bit dry, a little bit salty, a little bit dirty.

16) Thou shalt be flexible
Sometimes I evolve so quickly that it makes my head spin. I can only imagine how the people outside my head feel. Will you evolve with me?

17) Thou shalt only take what is freely offered and offer what you can do so freely
If everyone followed this guideline, most of the world's problems would be solved. If we follow this guideline, it'll make for a much more harmonious partnership.

18) Thou shalt get comfortable with the discomfort of the unfamiliar
Sometimes life gets weird. I can't have you freaking out every time it does. Keep calm, darlin.

19) Thou shalt own and read books
Because John Waters says I shouldn't be with you if you don't. And I can't raise kiddos with a non-reader. Oh gosh, no.

20) Thou shalt keep a warm and welcoming home
There are few things I love more than feeding people in my home. If you do, too, we'll get along just fine!

21) Thou shalt realize that I am almost always right
I really am. If I argue a point, which I rarely do, it's because I'm sure of it. Every once in awhile I'm wrong. I'll be the first to admit it.

22) Thou shalt tell me when I have food in my teeth
Or my fly is down. Or you think I might need a nap or food or a glass of water. Let's cover each other's gaps.

23) Thou shalt give me a break sometimes
I'm not perfect and I know you're not either and I love that about both of us.

24) Thou shalt value, respect and adore me
Duh.

If you think your experience and skill set is a good match for the position, please inquire. You should be prepared for other commandments to be put forth, and old ones to change or disappear. I am a woman, after all- ever flowing with the tides, well worth the glorious ride. Come correct.

No comments:

Post a Comment