Thursday, October 6, 2011

Conquering That Which is Unconscious.

Say you have a bad habit. Perhaps it's a habit that is so deeply ingrained that even once you're aware of it, you cannot stop. Specifically speaking, I have a talent for attracting damaged men. As damaged as they may be, the one, real common factor amongst them is me, so the truly damaged thing is how attractive I find them. I've identified and admitted my problem, and yet, even with all this consciousness, my damagedar is just as keen as my gaydar. The one emotionally fucked man in the room and I will inevitably find each other, make a powerful connection, I will reach out and he will never respond.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

As I grow in self-love, this cycle becomes less satisfying with each heartache. I am unhappy and for the first time actually think that this is a problem to be solved. My big question is, how in the hell do you stop doing something that's so unconscious? When the people you are instantly attracted to always end up being the same type of person, I suppose you can just assume that your taste is bad and have someone else pick for you. Anyone know a good yenta?

That's the thing about breaking habits. You have to make a new choice enough times to form an entirely new, healthy habit. I am attracted to damaged men for a litany of boringly cliche reasons that I won't get into. On some level I know that if I were to work out all my internal garbage, I would be able to make new choices, even unconsciously. However, I've done this type of internal work before and I resist it every time because I never forget how hard it was the last time. It takes a whole lot of courage and self-discipline to push yourself into honestly looking at all your shit, and I am often short in self-discipline. Aside from the fact that the damaged, unreliable men I love are awfully exciting. It's hard to come down off of that. I need to start skydiving or swimming with sharks.

Maybe someday I'll work out this part of my crazy and it'll be exciting when a man is respectful, adoring and healthy. After all, chasing after people who hurt us is sooo early 20's. We're growing older and wiser, right? Yes, right...

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