Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Fragmented and Totally Whole.

Myla Goldberg became one of my favorite authors during the very specifically-themed "Jewish American Women Writers" class that I took in college. We read her beautiful book Bee Season, which introduced me to the concept of "tikkun olam." (Very) basically, in the Lurianic Kabbalah vision, God filled vessels of light with which to create the world. These vessels shattered and bits of light became trapped in the material of the world. Through prayer and good deeds, this light can be released and the world can be healed and made whole.

54 days ago I began a new series of daily meditations that I'm calling "The Triple Threat": Kirtan Kriya, Sat Kriya and Sodarshan Chakra Kriya. Yogi Bhajan said that if all the other teachings were lost, these three exercises alone would suffice to carry us through into the new age. Kirtan and Sat Kriya are both potent, powerful exercises I had come to enjoy in the past. However, I had been vehemently avoiding the navel pumping-heavy Sodarshan Chakra Kriya for a long time. About a week before I started, though, I was reminded that this is the emergency parachute, when-all-else-fails meditation, and since nothing else seemed to be working, I finally surrendered.

Overtime and for countless reasons, I have become divided. I have turned away from or against parts of my being with shame or anger. I have allowed the voices of outside influences to become my voice, to the point where I couldn't hear myself in the din. All these interests compete for the right to direct my life, so that it is hard to make decisions without wondering if it really is the best choice. ("The voice of my mother says one thing, but the voice of my pastor is suggesting something else. Hmmm...") Like the light of creation, my light became scattered.

Aside from being great in a pinch, Sodarshan is notable for helping to clear the aura of past impressions, rebuilding the individual identity. With so many pieces currently in my spiritual puzzle, it's hard to say what is responsible for which effects, but the effect of Sodarshan seems to be the internal reintegration of my many fragmented parts. With this has come an incredible rush of vitality as I experience my total self, unburdened by battling special interest groups and the repression of previously shamed parts. The illusory veil separating my self from my Self is fading rapidly and I am left staring at someone who is quite okay and perfectly fine. I surely have so much more to learn, but there are many things that are not wrong but so very right with me.

This meditation has worked like a magic medicine- not always easy to swallow but so healing. Not only did it help me find wholeness in my fragmentation, but it also is clearing my subconscious, the lens with which I view the world. Among other unexpected positive outcomes, I find myself viewing the world with neutrality, taking ego affronts far less personally and feeling very internally complete...all major departures from previous patterns. As I free and lovingly collect each scattered bit of light, it gets easier to just Be...exactly as I am today, authentic and unapologetic. The thing I avoided was what I needed most of all.

Through whatever method or practice, I wish this experience for everyone.

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