Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Have > Not Have

It would be totally ungracious to overlook the abundance of blessings that populate my life...especially on a day like today when people I care about all over the world made a point to reach out with their love. And yet...

There is this small, totally ungracious part of myself that can only think about what is missing. Is this normal? To hope for something so much that what is not overwhelms what is? This is the problem with unmanaged expectations...you're not even aware of how important something was until it's not there and then it's all you see (ahh, that's hilarious...the Baths song "Palatial Disappointment" just came on).

Moments like these are teachable moments. What is my palatial disappointment teaching me? Maybe there are some things that I care about more than I have let on, even to myself. Maybe finding myself feeling disappointed is a good indicator that these things are actually disappointing. And if something is consistently disappointing, maybe it's not something to hope for. I have forgotten my "everything is a gift and an opportunity" optimism. These things that don't feel nice are providing me with information that can help improve my life. I can keep chasing this not nice feeling, trying to manipulate the situation to my liking, or I can see it for what it is and drop it. Then I've made room for things that feel nice with no manipulation needed on my part. Imagine all the things I can accomplish with the time that will free up! I may finally learn French! Or get my driver's license!

Sometimes I forget that I can't hide from myself. I front nonchalance, trying to play it cool, but I am anything but. And that's fine, as long as I keep my expectations in check, allowing the ones that are consistently disappointed to fall away. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. This may be a really good time to let go of those things that show no signs of delivering.

Today was sweet and quiet and lovely. Thank you thank you thank you for...
-a thumb drive full of torrented music that I love
-my life-giving spiritual practice
-great grandma's coffee cake
-sunshine to warm my perpetually cold bones
-world's shortest DMV wait
-organic beets and chickpea patties
-Fenton's ice cream & being sung to by the whole restaurant...thanks Papa :)
-car ride Sublime sing-a-longs
-the GLEE prom episode!!!!!!!
-my ridiculously loving and amazing support system of family and friends-like-family

If we wait to be happy until everything is perfect, we will never be happy. What I have is far far greater than anything I could be missing.

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