Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My Crippling Narcissism

People, especially in spiritual circles, talk a lot of shit about the ego...it's bad, it should be killed, etc. However, the ego is necessary. It's what motivates us to care for ourselves, to make sure that we get what we need in life to survive. Sure, when left unchecked it's a monster, but it doesn't need to be destroyed- just harnessed and closely watched.

It's this sense of self-importance that inspires me to post these blogs and expect people to read them (you are reading, right??). On bad days this same sense of self-importance becomes grossly inflated and causes me to think that I'm important enough for people to think about me all the time. I've never been aggressively pursued by paparazzi, and yet I still manage to maintain these delusions of celebrity import. You don't care what brand of toothpaste I buy? What's wrong with you?

For some reason I always think these thoughts other people are having are negative...someone doesn't call me back right away or respond to an email and suddenly they are mad at me. And no one ever is. Okay, maybe .005% of those people are, but it's so rare it's not even worth considering. Why do you automatically go there, Mind? Why so quick to assume people are upset with us when they hardly ever are? It's speaks volumes about how I must subconsciously feel about myself- as if I am inherently bad and that I never do the right thing, which is weird because that doesn't really feel like me. I have noticed that it's important to me to be liked, but I don't think that's entirely uncommon and I don't make major compromises anymore looking for approval. Yet this fear surfaces daily that I am somehow not okay and someone somewhere is thinking just that. Am I crazy, or what?

The biggest question I have for myself, though, is why the opinions of others seem to matter so much. Do I have so little faith in my own obvious awesomeness that I can be so easily swayed by how other people feel about me? Considering these opinions are usually products of my nutty imagination, it makes it extra strange. Maybe I'm just coming to grips with my own insignificance and acting out by trying to make myself feel important...by spending all my time thinking about how you're thinking about me during all of your time.

First answer: I have too much time to think.

Second answer: Realize that as important as I may be to certain people sometimes, I am certainly not important to anyone all the time and I can probably relax. I am grateful that people don't read about me in trashy magazines and know all my business. There are a lot of things to appreciate about invisibility.

The world is a safe place and my life is filled abundantly with lovers, not haters. Since we create our reality with our thoughts and words, I'll just keep telling myself this until it becomes true in my pretty, crazy little head. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!"

((the blog that inspired these musings: The Complete Guide to Not Giving a Fuck ..great for those of us who care too much))

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