It is said, and perhaps experienced, that when people close to us are hurtful, the betrayal cuts more deeply than it would with a stranger because of the trust established in the relationship. There is no better time, then, to learn how to "un-see" the character flaws of another. Of course, there are situations when further contact with said person is not emotionally and/or physically safe for us, and in those situations ideally our self-love and respect remove us. However, in so many cases the hurt that transpires between two people is worth moving through in order to preserve the valuable connection. But what is it to "un-see"?
Un-seeing is a graceful act of unconditional love. To un-see means to see the full reality of someone, blemishes and beauty, and to choose to relate to the beauty. It doesn't mean ignoring the blemishes. Here's a sweet bit about this from my Authentic Relationship manual:
"The more you tolerate and relate to the positive and illuminating qualities of that person, the more light there is to see clearly who they are. You begin to allow the other person to be real. You become very aware of all the shortcomings, but you choose to un-see them...You honor each gem you find in that person."
It hurts to be disappointed by someone we love. We are used to them behaving in a certain way and want to be able to trust them, and it can be very painful when they do not comply. It feels natural to withdraw for safety sake, like the body's immediate response to touching something hot. But in recoiling and closing off, we lose not only the relationship, but the chance to elevate the other person and ourselves through the practice of unconditional love- by knowing the reality of someone, yet loving them anyway. If it is something that we would desire for ourselves, we must be able to provide it for the people around us.
As I've grown in love for myself, I've been delighted to find how much easier it is to embrace every part of others. I've always hated that "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" idea, but I think that there might actually be some truth to it. It's not like I've never loved anyone before this point. This difference now is that my love is growing roots. It is not so easily swayed by circumstance and emotion. I have chanted "ang sang wahe guru" (God is vibrating in every cell, in every limb of my being) so many times now that I'm actually starting to believe it, and am just beginning to see that same vibration, to see God, in everyone else.
What I'm really getting at (I think...) is this: if you want to transform your relationships, begin by transforming the way you relate to yourself. Yogiji so wisely pointed out that "if you cannot bless yourself, then nobody can bless you." I will add that if you cannot embrace every part of who you are, how can you expect to relate authentically to others? If there are parts of yourself that you hide away out of fear and shame, you will not be able to be as honest and open as authenticity requires. We have to un-see our own flaws and begin to relate to the light, divine aspects of ourselves...and we are all imbued with the Divine. This does not mean that we stop working on ourselves- we are simply opening to the ways in which we are already so very excellent.
It is painful to be betrayed by someone close to us, and all the more painful when that person is ourselves. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the things you need to be happy and healthy. See how good it feels to be able to trust and rely on yourself. Forgive yourself for all the disappointments, big and small. Choose to un-see. When you have mastered this habit within, you may find that it becomes automatic when relating to others. You deserve your own unconditional love just as much as they do.