Showing posts from January, 2011

Sorry my life is so awesome!

Lately my life has become this magic, playful carnival- lots of color, vibrancy and feel good fun times (and the occasional terrifying carnie encounter!). Of course I'm grateful. I'm a yogi and in the community we talk a lot of good talk about gratitude- how blessed we all are...OM! Namaste! But beneath it all, I've discovered a certain level of guilt. What have I ever done to deserve this beautiful life? Why do I get to live in a strong, healthy body with a strong, loving support network in a beautiful place where it's sunny and warm in January?

Why is it so hard to just say "Yes! Thank you!"? Whoever said we should feel bad about feeling good?

The Catholic Church is an easy target, so let's start there. My grandma, as devout a Catholic as I am a yogi, has actually said that we're meant to suffer in this life in order to sort of earn bliss in the afterlife. What? Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure that this life is filled with things from God …

Getting Authentic.

You know when you learn so much at once that your noggin starts a'swimmin? After two full days of Authentic Relationships training, I'm looking for floaty wings for my soggy brain. I don't think I'll fully grasp how much I've learned or how much this is changing me for a couple of months (years...) but for now I'll try to get still and take in the first third of the training. I'm feeling linear, so I'll make a list...

1) Drop the past. Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. It doesn't belong in the present.
2) "Ego is the place where love cannot go. Where there is ego, there is no amigo." -Yogiji
3) Show up with neutrality and Listen.
4) Self-discipline is key for self-love.
5) Just because someone doesn't live up to their word doesn't necessarily indicate that they were not being honest. Some people are very authentic and just have trouble following through.
6) And that has nothing to do with me.
7) Get totally grounded in yourself. Then you …

Resistance is Futile. (No, really, stop.)

Since admitting is the first step, I'm just going to come right out and say it: I am stubborn. I have definitely learned a lot over the years about choosing my battles and will freely admit it when I'm wrong, but I still have a ways to go in other aspects. I derive great pleasure from ceaselessly banging up against walls, refusing to look around and realize that there was an unlocked door there all along that I could simply open and walk through. Part of this resistance must come from my shrinking but still prevalent adolescent love of drama and suffering. Oh, how romantic it is to be in pain! The exquisite tragedy! Luckily, the older I get, the less patience I have for unnecessary discomfort. I've survived enough real life tragedy now to understand how ridiculous it is to generate or invite in any more. And yet...

There is still this escapist part of me that wants nothing to do with reality and goes to great lengths to avoid it. Every time I end another protracted period …

Totally Total Totality.

Awhile back my friend Brooke and I were talking and she was musing about something that could occur in the future. She stopped herself mid-sentence and said, "I'm living in the future," and directed her attention back to the moment. At the time none of this made an impact on me. It wasn't until about a week ago, when I found my whole consciousness in a fantasized, future moment, that I began to utilize Brooke's concise statement to check myself when I slip out of my breath, out of my body, out of the present. I've been in a cycle of growth that began with my move and is now coming to a close. My final gift of learning from this time will be to come into Totality- giving every step through life my total presence and energy. Now that I've brought my attention to my tendency to frolic in the future and I am attempting to correct this, it's becoming clear how much I have my work cut out for me.

The yogic bible, for lack of a better term, is The Yoga Sutra…