Thursday, November 25, 2010

Empty walls, full heart.

Last Saturday, all these good men in my life (and my lovely Brooke) showed up at my tender little home of four and a half years and helped empty it. My material life went into a small cube that now allegedly lives on Treasure Island, and almost as many things went into paper bags and were released back into the wild.

The reoccurring theme lately has been Let Go. Let go of your dream workplace, let go of your dream apartment, let go of all that stuff you thought was important, let go of all those plans and expectations. Give up, release, let go. This is not an easy process for someone like me, who enjoys the steady and known. My housing situation had become borderline ridiculous, and it still felt like such a loss to leave this place where I had done so much formative living. It would seem I've given up so much and made a lot of space. What am I supposed to fill it all with now? What will take the place of my sweet home, my old microwave and everything else that met a curbside fate?

And then, something delightful happened. I turned out the lights and closed the door for the last time, and I was suddenly able to contain both grief and gratitude. So blessed to have had the warm space that housed dinner parties, movie nights, sweet afternoon naps, amazing house guests, all the ups and downs...and so sad to close this chapter. After the surrender, which initially felt like a tiny death, I ended up feeling so loved and cared for- the empty was replaced by a giddy, heart swelling full. All this space I've made? According to Osho, it's being filled with love...
"Saying yes means surrendering to existence...If one can say 'Yes!' to existence with a total heart, then all is done. Yes means: Thy will be done. In that very surrender, love starts pouring in, love starts overflowing you."

No, Mama, I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but neither does anyone else, really. We may think we do, but let's be real...if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. Our reality often unfolds in ways we never would've imagined, or do not at all appreciate. I am coming to understand, though, that even when I don't like it, everything is a gift and an opportunity. Initially some things are simply not enjoyable, but stick around long enough and they might transform into something wonderful. Did you and your boyfriend just break up and you're pretty sure you'll never be in love again? Yeah, knock it off. You really don't know what's going to happen. My friend just got hitched to a totally awesome dude who she wouldn't have had the space for in her life if she hadn't let the last dude go. Please, take time to mourn losses- never apologize for the way you feel. Just bear in mind that you're making space right now for something new. Don't forget to open up to it when you're done being sad.

Reality and release are the thing. You can always get a new microwave. Or a new partner. Or a new house. Or a new job. But it's awfully hard to get anything if your hands are clasped tightly around that old thing that isn't even serving you anymore. Let go let go go on.

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